Say what you mean and mean what you say

We've all heard that phrase before, "Say what you mean and mean what you say." Well that has been stirring in my mind lately. I can't seem to wrap my head around why single men and women in their 20's and 30's still find it necessary to be cryptic and evasive in their communication with one another. I know the fear of rejection cripples a lot of us but I honestly don't understand why. Rejection is helpful, it pushes us away from going the wrong direction and puts us back on the right path. If a guy intentionally shows he is not interested in me, it doesn't leave me hanging or wondering if something could happen. Yes, it may hurt for a little while but I would much rather experience the temporary heartache than spend a year wasting my time investing in something that is never going to go anywhere. 

As I'm preparing to leave, I've noticed something about men... Suddenly the fear of rejection seems to be a softer blow when they feel they've got nothing to lose. In the last month, 3 men have come forward to tell me they currently have or have had some kind of romantic interest in me and they are sad that I am leaving. Seriously?? Let me say that again, SERIOUSLY?? I really don't understand why they think that's even a little bit appropriate. (To the one that said the words "I am glad I have been able to channel what I was feeling for you into loving you like a sister," thank you for taking the time to clarify your current intentions) The only reason they should be saying those words is if they have the intention of continuing to get to know me on a deeper level, and if that's the case it needs to be 100% clear, black and white. Ephesians 4:29 encourages us to not allow any unwholesome talk come out of our mouths, only what is helpful for building others up. As much as I'm flattered to know there is some interest coming from men that are not criminals or mentally ill, how is this building me up? It messes with my head and leaves me wondering what could have happened if I didn't go to Korea and that's not fair to me. 

Here is an excerpt I took from the Boundless article The Hindrance of a Hint, click here to read the whole article, great stuff! 

"Why is it that we are afraid to speak directly to someone? Why do we rely on hints and avoidance techniques? I would argue that this is a manifestation of what the Bible calls "fear of man." We are worried about what others think of us — either we crave their approval or we fear their rejection. There's also laziness involved. It's much easier to duck someone with an expectation of us than it is to gently and graciously talk to them about it. But does this build up our brothers and sisters for their benefit (Ephesians 4:29)? Does this follow after the Proverbs 31 model to speak with wisdom and kindness? And will we have to give a good or poor account of our careless words (Matthew 12:34-37)?"

My hope is, that as mature adults, we will stop playing childish games with one another. Stop fearing what other people will think of us and do what is best, what will guard their hearts and what will be "helpful in building them up." If you have an interest in someone and you know enough about them to know you want to pursue them, ask them on a date! If you don't have feelings for someone but think they may have feelings for you, be bold and have a courageous conversation letting them know you don't feel the same way so their heart won't linger waiting for you to make a move. And if someone you have feelings for isn't being clear and intentionally pursuing you, MOVE ON! If they can't bring themselves to be intentional God needs to work on their ability to lead you well, let Him do that.

The friend I've never met

Hebrews 13:1-2 Keep on loving one another as brothers and sisters. Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by doing so, some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it. 

This December marks the 4 year anniversary of a time of great confusion in my life. I was living with my little sister in her college apartment, sleeping on the couch waiting to leave for Hertfordshire, England. I accepted a job to be a social worker and right before I was about to leave God slammed the door right in my face and told me that was not His plan. As things have fallen into place for Korea, I would be lying if I didn't admit that I have had some anxiety and fear that He would shut the door again. Satan's voice has been in the back of my mind whispering, "You don't know how to discern God's will for your life, you've been wrong before, you're wrong again."   

When I got the news last night that my plane ticket has been purchased I was taken back by my reaction. Surprise was what I felt. With all the excitement and eagerness I've felt about getting to Korea, I think part of me still expected something to go wrong. As I sat there experiencing all different kinds of emotions, I couldn't help but think back to how different this experience has been than what I was feeling as I prepared to leave for England. During that time, I was running from things God was trying to help me heal from and this time I'm running toward growth. During that time I was leaning on worldly things for strength and comfort and this time I am falling into God's arms and letting Him embrace me tightly through this journey. During that time I was feeling alone and disconnected and this time I'm feeling completely surrounded by love and totally amazed at all the support I am receiving. God is so good! 

Through the process of getting things in order for England I met 4 women who would be arriving in England around the same time. To stay in touch, one of the ladies created a yahoo group and we all became Facebook friends to help encourage and support each other through the process. Two of the ladies ended up going to England and the other 3 of us did not. I lost contact with all of them except for one. Over the last 4 years of being her Facebook friend I've learned that we have a lot in common. We both absolutely love F-R-I-E-N-D-S and although I can monologue every episode, she seems to think she could win at a trivia challenge. Her heart is full of love for others and it has been a joy to see her grow over the last 4 years. Recently she got married and while she is far away in Maine, because of the connection we made via Facebook 4 years ago I was able to get a glimpse of the beautiful bride through pictures. We have exchanged lots of "likes" and "comments" on Facebook and although we've never met I feel like I know her. It's crazy to me that a social networking site can make you feel so connected to people from so far away. But thinking about how my friendship with someone I've never even met has flourished and grown despite the distance brings comfort in knowing that the relationships I have now will continue to grow as well. I hope you all know that I desire to keep in touch with you throughout this journey. I desire to know what is going on in your lives and continue to love, support and encourage you from afar. I'm not sure if Kristen and I will ever meet but I'm so glad she continues to let me be a part of her life. Thank you for staying in touch and reminding me of what it means to love your neighbor as yourself. You are such a blessing. 

You'll be a better wife because of it

Hello my name is Brandy, and I am a control freak. I want things done the right way and by the right way I mean my way. I'm a tad bit OCD, my shirts get hung on white hangers and my pants on blue hangers and if you try to help me and mess it up I will be kind to you but will secretly be totally annoyed and go back and correct every single thing that is wrong when you're not looking. The guys I work with have figured out my OCD tendencies and often mess with me at work by slightly adjusting my chair or computer screen. To most people, they don't even notice the change but I notice and it DRIVES ME CRAZY! 

In past blogs I've mentioned my struggle with releasing control of my singleness and lately God has certainly been testing my ability to let go. A couple weeks ago I met with my friend Kristin for tea. Right before speaking to her I had an uncomfortable conversation with the man who has my heart and I was telling her about it. After listening to me rant, Kristin said some very powerful words, "Brandy, the Lord is shaping you to become a virtuous woman who will be an amazing wife, stop interfering with his work." God used Kristin to speak right to my heart and convict me of something I needed to release. I went home that night and spent hours in prayer and confession asking God to take from me the thing I couldn't release. My heart has gone through an emotional roller coaster over the last year and I have invested so much time, energy and emotion into something and I don't want it to go away. I want it to flourish and grow. My controlling self wants to keep investing and keep pouring into it but I've realized that I don't have the proper tools to nurture the growth it needs, only God does and realizing that has made the process of letting go a little easier. 

While visiting with my friend Andy, who I haven't seen in over 8 years, we began talking about relationships. I was telling him that my heart is stuck in Dallas. Physically, I may be leaving for Korea in a couple of weeks but emotionally, my heart is not ready to go yet. As Andy and I were speaking, he really encouraged me by reminding me that in the next 12 months, God is going to do wonderful and amazing things in my life. My walk with Him will be strengthened and my heart will be changed and transformed and when God is done writing this chapter of my life I will have so much more to offer the man I will marry because I will be a much better woman than the one I am right now. I love thinking about how God is going to grow me over the next 12 months and as much as the thought of not being able to physically see or speak to the man who has my heart hurts, I know that God has a plan for all of this and I am so thankful. In everything we go through we are to praise the Lord and be thankful because it is all a part of His plan for our lives. So, in the midst of the hurt and heartache, I will continue to be thankful for where the Lord has me right now and where He is taking me next. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:18

1 year sober

5 months ago I went through the process of being matched with girls who would be in community with me. I met so many amazing girls through the process. I met girls who were solid in their faith, I met baby Christians who were hungry for the word and who's passion inspired me and I met 4 amazingly beautiful girls who would soon be part of the community group God chose for me to lead.

Throughout that entire process I prayed heavily for the girls who would be in my group. I had no idea who God would choose but I knew He had a plan, He always has a plan! I prayed that the Lord would soften my heart to whatever struggles they had and that He would equip me with compassion, love, empathy, insight, and wisdom to help them through their struggles. I prayed that with all the flaws written all over me, they would be able to see through the flaws and trust that I was serving our creator and I would lead them well. I prayed that God would remove my insecurities and self doubt and replace it with confidence in knowing that He equipped me to lead them well. I prayed that the Lord would move, that He would speak to us and we would hear Him and that He would change our hearts.

As I got the news of who would be in my group I was so excited but also overwhelmed. Through the process of sharing life maps, these girls revealed struggles I had never dealt with and I doubted my ability to empathize and encourage them through what they were going through. God quickly minimized my fears and doubt as I got to know these girls and the relationships I began to form with them completely opened my eyes and changed my heart. During one of our times of sharing, my friend who is celebrating 1 year of sobriety today, shared these words... "Some days after I get home from work, I would love to have a glass of wine, just one glass... But I know I can't have just one glass." Those words resonated with me so much that night. In the midst of my struggle with food God used her words to help me realize I had an addiction, a dependence on something I could not control and He completely broke me. Her words stirred inside my heart that night and still ring in my head today.

You see, all the time I was praying about how I was going to impact these girls and shine light into their lives, I completely forgot about how God would be using them to shine light into mine. I am so blessed to be allowed to be part of their lives and part of their story and I am so thankful for the encouragement, accountability and truth they have spoken and continue to speak into my life. S, I am so incredibly proud of you, your dedication and drive are such an inspiration. Your journey has helped give me the confidence that I can fight my addiction as well. M, your love and compassion for others brings joy to my life. I love how big your heart is! J, the insight and wisdom you bring to every conversation we have inspires me. I love the boldness you have when you speak truth into my life. B, you have been my rock! You have encouraged me and held me accountable even when I didn't want it and you've done it in such a loving way. I am so blessed by all of you! I love you girls!