Come to ME

I've said this before but the best thing that has happened to me since being in Korea has been the abundance of intimate time I get with the Lord. I can literally feel him chiseling away the things that I need to rid, while molding and changing me. As painful as it has been at times, it is a beautiful thing. 

Lately, I have been feeling a lot of conviction about my prayer life. The other day in Jesus calling, I read these words, 

"I am God of both intricate detail and overflowing abundance. When you 

entrust the details of your life to Me, you are surprised by how 

thoroughly I answer your petitions. I take pleasure in hearing your prayers, 

so feel free to bring Me all your requests. The more you pray, the more 

answers you can receive. Best of all, your faith is strengthened as you 

see how precisely I respond to your specific prayers." 

I was particularly convicted by the last sentence. My prayer time lately has been rushed, before and after quiet time, or little prayers throughout the day but God has really dealt with my heart on setting aside time specifically for intimacy with him through prayer. 

In church right now we are still picking apart second Kings. For the last few weeks we have learned about many of the bad kings that reigned over Israel and Judah. We have read about King after King who allowed the worship of idols to continue. We've read about Kings whose pride and disobedience ultimately lead to their death. We've read about Kings who took over after killing the King before them. I've been looking forward to the day we would be reading about the man my pastor referred to as "The greatest King since David," and today was that day. Hezekiah was known for his goodness. And I was so happy to be reading something positive after all the death and destruction we have been studying the last few weeks.  

In 2 Kings 18, Hezekiah is described as a man who "trusted in the Lord," a man who "held fast to the Lord; he did not depart from following Him, but kept his commandments." In verse 7 we are told "The Lord was with him; he prospered wherever he went." As I read about Hezekiah, I was so encouraged by his commitment to honor the Lord. Specifically, his commitment to seek the Lord as his first response to trouble. In Chapter 19 verse 1 we see Hezekiah's response to a message he received. I'm not going to tell you the story because chapter 18 and 19 are jam packed with lessons from God and I would love for you to read it on your own and allow the Lord to speak to your heart. In verse 1, Hezekiah tears his clothes at the news he receives and immediately goes into the house of the Lord. He then sends messengers to the prophet Isaiah who explains to Isaiah they are in great trouble and asks Isaiah to pray. Hezekiah receives a second message from the king of Assyria, and in verse 14, he responds to the second message by turning to the Lord in prayer and laying out the letters before God. 

Hezekiah is a great example of how we should respond in times of trouble. Just as Jesus did all throughout the new testament, Hezekiah's first reaction to the situation he was faced with was to seek the Lord. God knows our thoughts and our troubles long before we bring them to him. He desires to hear our hearts through spoken words, silent prayers, or prayers through praise. He longs to hear us speak to him. 

Listen to the words Sarah Young writes in Jesus calling and allow the Lord to speak to your heart. When you are done reading these words, I hope you will sit before the Lord and talk to Him. Connect with Him and let Him hear you.

"Come to Me with all your weaknesses: physical, emotional and spiritual. 

Rest in the comfort of My Presence, remember that nothing is impossible with Me... Remember that I am sovereign over everything. Every problem can teach 

you something, transforming you little by little...Trouble and distress are 

woven into the very fabric of this perishing world. Only My life in you can 

empower you to face this endless flow of problems with good cheer. 

As you sit quietly in My Presence, I shine Peace into your troubled mind and heart. 

Little by little, you are freed from earthly shackles and lifted up above your circumstances. Rest in My Presence, receiving Joy that no one can take away from you." 

Just hand over the medium and no one gets hurt!!

Vocab test from one of my students :) 

I have a confession... I absolutely hate working out. I hate sit ups, crunches, push ups, lifting weights and while sometimes I enjoy it, most days, I hate to run! It's been super cold in Korea and I have used that as an excuse not to go running. I've tried to play tennis but the snow and rain has made it impossible and I've only played once since I've been here. Before I came to Korea, I was playing tennis 4 to 5 times a week. Partly because I do genuinely love it that much and partly because I had an amazing tennis partner (shout out to hotty Scotty! Love you!) but mostly because it is the only thing I enjoy doing that doesn't feel like an actual workout. This week I reconnected with the athlete in me as I went for a run and worked out with the machines in the park. I literally felt the burn and instantly wanted more. 

Outdoor work out equipment that
helped me feel the burn.
This machine is a workout for your
arms and a squat all in one. Greatness!

I was warned by several friends to bring lots of clothes with me to Korea because they wouldn't have my size here. I even took the extra step and set aside a box with jeans the next size down and shorts for the summer that my mom would send me as I lost more weight (Thanks Murtle Corine!!). But as much as I planned everything I packed, I didn't anticipate how difficult shopping would actually be in this country. The Koreans are known for their inability to say things tactfully and being here has been a constant reminder that according to the worlds standards I am overweight. I'm so incredibly grateful the Lord has been working on my heart the last year and I no longer view myself according to the standards of the world but according to God's goodness. I can see the beauty the Lord see's now instead of the number on the scale or the size of my pants. But despite the work the Lord has done on my heart, I am still incredibly annoyed by the things I continue to put up with here.

This weekend I went on the hunt for art supplies. As I was making my way to the art store I saw sales rack after sales rack of super cute clothes. I am pretty cheap and hate to spend money but the sign screaming "SALE" always makes me stop. So, I stopped and grabbed about 6 items I wanted to try on. I took the clothes into the store and pointed at the dressing room. As I stood there waiting for the Ajumma to motion that I could go in, she grabbed the clothes from my hand, took 3 of the shirts and handed the other three back. I was confused, until she pointed to the 3 she was holding and said "You no try, you big size, stretchy, no try." None of the shirts had sizes on them so I had taken the time to hold each one up and ensure it would fit. I knew the shirts she had in her hand would fit me but I still wanted to make sure they looked good. I tried to take them back from her and she refused. So, I told a stupid lie and said the shirts were for my "thin" sister, just so she would give me the shirts back. I tried the shirts on and not only did they fit, they looked great! I justified her actions by telling myself  the reason she did that was because I was bundled up with 4 layers of clothes on and she couldn't tell what size I was. But the truth is, that's just how things work here. 

Sporting my size medium pullover for my run
tonight... Thank you very much!! 

Tuesday on my lunch break, I headed to go get groceries. Outside of the store were racks and racks of the long sleeve workout pull overs. They had all kinds of crazy colors and they were only $7 so of course I stopped to look. I picked through the colors looking for a medium and handed two pullovers to the Korean man only to hear the words "You no medium, you big size!" He proceeded to tell me in broken English he was a medium and I am much bigger than him so I needed to buy extra large. In that moment I couldn't wrap my head around why this man would give me such a hard time as I was trying to hand him money. It shouldn't matter what size I am buying, it shouldn't matter what color I am buying, if I am trying to give you cash, shut up and take it!!

The standard of beauty in Korea is so ridiculous and I feel so bad for the girls living here who think they need double eye lids, a small face, white skin and blonde hair to be beautiful. I really wish they could see how beautiful they are. I am surrounded by gorgeous women every day who do everything in their power live up to what their culture tells them is beautiful and I just want to help them understand there is more to life than being thin and pretty. 

The Letter Writer

Preparing to leave for Korea, I was given two very special gifts that have been extremely important to my emotional well being. The first was a stack of letters my stepmother wrote for me. She took the time to sit down and thoughtfully pray through every letter she wrote. She spoke to the Lord and asked him to give her things to pray about each month. In each letter, she has written telling me exactly what she is praying for each month. In January, I received a letter telling me she would be praying for safety and discernment. In February, I opened a letter telling me she would be praying for the man who would one day hold my heart, and in March I read that she would be praying for my testimony. I anxiously await the first day of each month knowing I will soon be able to open her next letter. Each month, the words she has written have pulled on my heart and spoken to me in such a special way.  

It has been such an encouragement to know she is praying for me each day that I am here. The second gift I have cherished, is similar to the one I just described. My former roommate, and beautiful friend Vanessa took the time to write out notes for me to open on certain occasions. I got a card to open on the airplane, a card to open on Christmas, one for my birthday and two that I didn't realize would be so important. The first was a card to open when I was feeling sad, depressed or alone and the second to open when I was feeling angry, frustrated or annoyed. Everyone warned me I would hit a bump in the road when I felt overwhelmed with homesickness. That moment came sooner than I expected and in one of my moments of feeling completely alone and abandoned by so many people I thought were my friends, I opened the card indented for moments of feeling sad, alone or depressed. When I opened her card she had included a silly joke about an Elephant stepping on grapes that literally made me laugh out loud and was just what I needed. 

For months, I have been staring at the angry, frustrated and annoyed card wondering when I would reach a point when I needed to open it and today was that day. Today, I experienced every emotion possible. The chain of emotions I was feeling ended in frustration and anger as I was ripping up the very sacred words I had taken the time to write for someone very special to me. I realized today the words I had written and cherished would never be read and I was overwhelmed with hurt and pain. As I was leaving to go back to school I saw the words "Do not open unless feeling: angry, frustrated or annoyed." I hoped there would never be another moment when I felt this mad, so I opened Vanessa's card to find exactly the words I needed to hear. 

Her words reminded me of how blessed I am to have people in my life who know my heart and know me enough to speak to my emotional needs, 4 months later, with continents and ocean between us. Vanessa and I haven't spoken every day, not even every month since I've been here but her discernment when writing this letter to me was spot on and it really helped put things in perspective. 

I once watched a movie called "The Letter Writer," about an old man who randomly picked names from the phone book and wrote encouraging words as they came to his mind. Ever since I saw that movie, I have been inspired an encouraged to write to people as they are laid on my heart. I hope by writing this blog, it will encourage more people to be like the Letter Writer's I have mentioned in my blog, and the man in the movie. There is power in the words of others. Your words can move someone, they can help lift them up, they can put a smile on their angry face and they can bring tears of joy as their face floods with tears from hurt and pain. If as you read this, you are thinking of someone who could use some encouragement in their life, take the time to write them a note and help make their day a little brighter. 

Beware of the heart devils!!!

While in Korea, I've had many random people approach me on the street. Women who touch my face and tell me "Oh, very beautiful," men who are in awe of the foreigner standing in front of them and repeat the only English word they know over and over again, "Hello, hello, hello, hello," as they laugh with the biggest smile on their face, and Korean men who approach me to practice their English. You never know what you are getting until you spend a couple minutes talking to them. 

 

This past Sunday, a Korean man approached me (a man I know, not a random person on the street) and said "Hello, I can have your number please, I like to be your better friend." Not really knowing if he was genuinely interested in practicing his English or if he was the kind of  man who would follow me out of the bookstore in Seoul to tell me he wanted to take me to the movies so he could kiss me (True story), I wasn't sure what to do. I talked to one of my Korean friends and asked her what it meant if a man asked for your number so he could "Be your better friend." In her oh so cute, broken English, she explained there are two kinds of men. The kind who want to communicate with you and practice their English and the heart devils. She enthusiastically warned me to beware of heart devils. It may very well have been the cutest thing I've heard since I arrived.

There is great freedom in being single right now. There are definitely moments when I desire deeply to meet the man of my dreams. I would love to be serving in Korea or around the world with him by my side, but that's not the stage of life I am in right now and I am okay with that. Reminders of my singleness such as Valentines Day don't affect me like they used to because the Lord has reminded me that in my singleness, I am more free than I will ever be to serve him and bring people to his kingdom. But that's not true for everyone. For many singles, Valentines Day is a day they dread. In fact, I know women who deactivated their FB profile on Valentine's Day because they didn't want to be reminded of their singleness. To those women, I'm really glad you don't live in Korea. 

No one gave me the warning that I would have to participate in a day reminding me of my singleness 3 months in a row. In Korea, everyone celebrates Valentine's Day on February 14th, then White Day on March 14th and Black Day on April 14th. As I've roamed the streets of Korea this March, I've seen countless stands full of chocolates, flowers and teddy bears. It's like having Deja vu except it really is happening all over again! In many Asian cultures, Valentines Day is not celebrated as we do in America. Valentines Day is a day when the women and girls buy gifts for the men and boys. Then on March 14th (White Day) the men pay the women back. Tradition holds they are supposed to pay it back 3 fold. The women and girls eagerly wait to see if they will get a gift on White Day and if by April 14th, they are still single and have not found a partner, all the single people get together and sulk in their depression and sadness while eating a traditional Korean dish called jajangmyeon, a noodle dish with black bean sauce. 
 

I'm pretty sure I will be as single on April 14th as I am today and I will be participating in the eating of the jajangmyeon but not because I am sad and depressed about being single. Instead, I will be doing my best to show all the singles around me they don't have to be sad because there is someone who loves them so much and is waiting with arms wide open to embrace them. And second, I will celebrate that I am free from all the heart devils!! 

Get over yourself!

When I prayed over whether or not to come to Korea, many things drew me here. The act of completely and totally surrendering to God was one of them. I was stepping out in faith and trusting He was going to catch me as I fell. I've struggled with trusting the Lord throughout my time as a Christian and for me I was finally in a place of eagerness and selflessness and ready to throw myself at the Lord. I guess part of me believed that many of the other Christians I would meet in Korea would be in that same place. I thought if they were abandoning their whole lives and leaving it behind, surely it was because doing the work of the Lord was the only thing on their mind. While that has been the case for a hand full of people I have met (literally a hand full) that has not been the case for many. 

I have been completely frustrated by the amount of Christians I have met here who are just dead! Christians who's passion and fire for the Lord is non existent. Christians who are living selfish, self seeking lives without consideration of others. Christians who fear speaking about Jesus because they are afraid they will be associated with a cult. As I've struggled with where I should serve and who I should be serving, the Lord has definitely opened my eyes to realizing the body of believers needs help! 

Yesterday at church, the pastor of our church had the courage to speak on this very thing. He told the church he feels like their fire and passion are gone. His boldness to speak on this helped me realize that is the only way we are going to see change. 

In Revelations, God tells us that if we are neither cold nor hot, he will spit us out of his mouth. Spitting is a disgusting thing. And the idea of knowing I could make God feel so disgusted with me that He would want to spit me out of his mouth is enough to help me never want to get to that place. 

In his book Crazy Love, Francis Chan talks about this very thing and identifies several characteristics of a Lukewarm Christian. I've paraphrased them here so you can "check yourself" and see where you fall.

- Do you go to church regularly, because it is the "right" thing to do or because you desire any connection you can with Christ?

- Do you choose what is popular or what is right?

- Do you act/move/do everything you do for Jesus or for you?

- Do you share your faith with others?

- Do you give Jesus ALL of you?

- Do you give of yourself earnestly and thankfully with a full heart?

- Do you love others more than you love yourself?

- Do you think about life on earth more often than eternity in heaven?

- Do you play it safe or do you sacrifice and live for God?

- Are you living life storing up treasures on earth or in heaven?

 For the believer in Christ, life is not about what kind of job we will have, whether or not we will find a spouse, when we will have children, how much money we can save, ect. Life is about living every moment of every day surrendering yourself to the Lord to bring glory to him and grow his kingdom. While you are doing that, you can enjoy the blessings He has given you but if your heart is focused on yourself first and what your future holds instead of focused on how much you can make others see Jesus, I'd say it's time to check your heart. 

For those in Korea with me, I'd rather 10,000 people think I was part of a cult for the 5 who will hear the gospel and get saved, than to not share the amazing gift I've been given with someone else! Praying for hearts to be changed here, I hope you will join me in the fight. 

They call me Lemonjello!

She was 18 years old. In jail for the first time and terror covered her face. As she tried to release words through the tears, she told me she was in jail for failure to identify. Most people I encountered with this charge were felons running from the law. This young girl was the furthest thing from it. As I listened to her story through the tears, she explained that her given name is "Infant," but embarrassed to admit that is her name, she has always called herself Ashley. When the officer asked what her name was, naturally, she told him the name she told everyone. In a state of confusion and panic, she didn't think about the name she had tried to forget the past 18 years, she thought about the only name people knew her by, and saying that name landed her in jail. 

What you name a child is so important. People spend so much time and energy thinking about and sometimes praying over what they will name their child. Growing up with 3 sisters in my home, we definitely played the "I'm not going to tell you what I want to name my children because you might steal my name," game. SPOILER ALERT to the men reading this blog... as women, we already have the names of our children picked out before you ever meet us. We've spent hours thinking of a first name and middle name that go together, when we do meet you, we partnered the name with your last name to see if it sounds okay, and we've kept some names secret so they never come up in conversation with a boyfriend who doesn't end up becoming our husband. Heaven forbid we tell you and you like it and then we break up, we'll have to start all over again!  

While exchanging funny stories about horrible children's names, I once had a friend tell me of the banned names list in New Zealand. A 9 year old girl, too embarrassed to tell her friends her real name, often introduced herself as "K." This poor girl was taken from her parents and placed in the guardianship of the country so that she could stop living with the embarrassment of being called "Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii," and be given a normal name. (No joke, Google it, you will find countless articles as well as the banned names list for the country).

Two years ago, while at a girlfriends house for movie night, one of the girls I was with suggested we have "the talk." I have to admit, I didn't know which "the talk," she was referring to until she explained. She proceeded to say that as we were all starting to date and enter into relationships, we should talk about our children's names. She wrapped up the suggestion of having "the talk," by saying "And no one can steal anyone else's name!" It was so funny to me, that at 26 years old I was literally going around in a circle sharing the names of imaginary children I would one day be having with my imaginary husband, at a point in my life when I didn't even have a boyfriend. Craziness huh? 

Well today was a special day for me. It is a day that will forever be remembered and always have a piece of my heart. It is the day I named my first child. No, I did not move to Korea because I was secretly with child and didn't want you to know about it. You see, in Korea, each of the students who attend English Academy (also known as Hagwon) are given an English name. So far, all of my children have come to me with an English name already given to them. Well today, I met two precious little girls who walked into my classroom nameless. I knew I would be getting new students and I anticipated I would soon be assigning a name. So, I walked into the classroom, met the precious nameless girls and together we decided what their names would be. 

I know they aren't my real children. I didn't carry them in my womb, anticipating what each kick on my stomach told me about their personality as I thought about what their name would be, but I created a special bond with these two girls that cannot be forgotten. I don't know if the Lord will choose to bless me with children of my own that I will one day spend hours arguing with my husband over what we will call our child. But I do know that I have a duty to love every child I encounter in life just as if they were my own. I love that in these moments while I don't have children of my own, I get to pour love, affection, attention, kindness, gentleness, patience, and grace into all of their lives. I get to skype with my beautiful nieces and teach them how to say funny Korean words. I get to make all the silly faces in the world at 3 month old Kaden trying to get him to laugh through the computer just so I can see him with a smile. I get to be a ray of smiling joy to children who continually get yelled at by their parents for not being good enough or trying hard enough. I get to eagerly anticipate moments that I can tell them about Jesus and what He has done for them. And most importantly, I get to wrap my arms around the children at school, knowing that even if they don't understand a word of English coming out of my mouth, they understand that a hug means I love them and I care for them and I don't ever want anything bad to happen to them.