I moved to DFW a couple weeks after I turned 18. Eager to embrace the big city and start what I thought was going to be a modeling career. Kim Dawson Modeling Agency had shown an interest in me and I was moving to DFW to explore the modeling world. And then I met a boy... My 1st boyfriend, a boyfriend who didn't think his girlfriend should be in magazines and on TV for other guys to see. Modeling for me would have been as PG as it could get but he had some insecurities and didn't want me to do it. So... in love, and with googly eyes I told him I wouldn't do it.
My relationship with the dreaded ex was 2 years of making decisions I knew did not honor God. God was running to me with arms wide open trying to embrace me and I was pushing him away. I was a wreck because I could feel God longing to have me back but I continued to fight it. I made choices during that relationship God used to help me get to where I am today but there is no doubt in my mind that had I been obedient, He still could have taught me those lessons in a different way.
Unfortunately, I still didn't learn after that last relationship. Singleness has always been an area I have tried to hold onto. Despite learning time after time that my way is anything but the right way I still wanted control. About a year and a half ago JP was talking a lot about "embracing" our singleness and making the most of it. I took the challenge to commit to using my singleness to prepare my heart for my husband. I prayed that the Lord would reveal to me things that were keeping me single, keeping me from being ready for the man I knew was prayerfully waiting for me. Well, God answered that prayer, oh did He answer that prayer. He revealed things to me I didn't realize I needed to let go of, He revealed to me things in my heart that were hindering me from growing in a more intimate relationship with Him and would ultimately keep me from growing with my partner when I got to that place. I have searched my heart, prayed, and dug into the word in an attempt to prepare my heart and I have realized I am still not ready.
At 28 the Lord has brought a man in my life who's passion and love for the Lord is so encouraging. He digs into the word and speaks scripture to others. He has a heart of service, surrounds himself with godly men who lift him up because he knows how important that is, and he strives to grow in his walk. He loves his family and I know he will be an amazing husband and a wonderful father to the children he will have. He's definitely not perfect, but his imperfections make his character uniquely intriguing. My friendship with him has made me realize that even when an amazing man of God walks into your life God's timing and God's plan trump everything else. As God was stirring my heart for Korea, Satan was stirring my selfish desires and I'm embarrassed to admit I did it again, I postponed applying to the job in Korea because I was selfish and wanted to see if my friendship with him could be taken to the next level.
Please hear me when I say doing things our own way only takes us on a detour and wastes time. God's plan is far greater than anything we could ever imagine. It's so easy to be stubborn and selfish but when we do things our way it leaves us roaming around hitting the same walls never getting any closer to what we are trying to accomplish. Choosing self, or boys in my case has only postponed God's plan for me. It has left me not getting any closer to things I know God wants to do with me. I am so completely ready to fall into His arms and let him drop me where He wants me next. I don't know who God has out there waiting for me, but I do know I want to continue to prepare my heart for him and strive to be the woman he deserves. I'm done taking detours, I'm done circling the mountain. I'm sure he's sick of waiting on me to figure things out :)
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