Under God's wings

It's no secret I've battled depression, I've been very open with you all about that through this blog. Partly because it is an explanation for why I am so emotional all of the time, but mostly because though I continue to struggle with it from time to time, God has equipped me with the tools to overcome it and I want you to be encouraged knowing that you too, with the help of our Lord can overcome it as well. I was terrified to come to Korea because I knew the depression would creep back into my life and my family and friends would no longer be just a phone call away when I needed them. When that fear crept in, God reminded me that I should not be turning to them first but to Him.

Ready to embrace the big change and take the leap of faith I knew He wanted me to experience, I was hit with a tornado, hurricane and tsunami of emotions far beyond my control. I've never felt the intensity of emotion I felt weeks before I left and continue to feel today. Honestly, I have been a wreck a lot of the time I've been here and have spent many nights crying out to God for comfort. While my support system back home continues to be amazing, it is extremely difficult to be in a foreign land and not have them readily available when I need them. God has taken me away from my comforts and my support and thrown me in a situation where I have no choice but to turn to Him. 

Today in a moment of searching for answers, I turned to the story of Ruth. When we think of the story of Ruth, many of us think of her being referred to as a women of virtue or excellence or your mind may wonder to her lying at the feet of Boaz and asking him to take her as his wife. This story has brought me comfort many times during my singleness but today God spoke through this passage in a different way. He reminded me over and over again of Ruth's blind faith. After the loss of her father in law, brother in law and husband, Ruth's mother in law told her to return to her home and find a new husband. Ruth refused (1:16) and made the choice to follow Naomi to a land foreign to her. In my bible, the commentary reads "Ruth, A Moabitess, did not have Israelite culture to guide her actions. She had to rely totally on God for wisdom." She had to listen closely and patiently wait on the Lord to direct her. She had to trust in the discernment the Lord gave her as she choose to follow Naomi's advice and sit at the feet of Boaz.

There are countless verses in the bible about having faith but as the Lord stressed the significance of Ruth's faith, He reminded me of Hebrews 11:6, "And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him." I know living by faith is difficult at times, I have had a really hard time lately as I'm blindly walking into a lot of things and not understanding the Lord's plan. But, I know two things, first, He has a plan and knowing that brings a lot of comfort. I may be walking blindly but He knows where I am going and will not lead me astray. And second, the Lord calls us to live by faith. As difficult as it may be sometimes, He calls us to do it and He wouldn't have done so if it weren't possible. So, under the Lord's wings I will continue to fly, knowing He will protect me and guide me through what is to come. 

Dreading New Year's Eve

Superstition holds, failing to kiss someone at the stroke of midnight ensures an entire year of loneliness  Well, I'm living proof that is not true. Last year I went on a camping trip with 19 random strangers. One of the people I met was a cute Indian boy who my dad liked to refer to as "Au Jus." I ended up spending a lot of time with him prior to New Year's Eve and although we exchanged a few kisses between Christmas and New Year's, I knew we wouldn't be spending New Year's Eve together so I wasn't left anticipating a midnight kiss.

He went camping with some of our friends, and I went to a party being thrown by one of my friends from church. Shout out to Frank, I'm so bummed I won't be able to attend your "Mascaraed" party this year! I didn't drink a sip of alcohol and there was no boy anxiously waiting to kiss me and it was the best New Year's Eve I've ever had! We two stepped, we laughed, we sang at the top of our lungs, I watched crazy face Gonzalez "shuffle" his way around the dance floor, and the entire night left a smile on my face I couldn't remove even if I tried. I had a wonderful time with beautiful people and despite what the superstition implies, 2012 was far from lonely! In the last year, I have met amazing people and made wonderful, solid friendships. I have been surrounded by love and affection, encouraged and supported in times of sadness and pain and celebrated in times of victory. My support system was increased and I am utterly amazed and in awe of God's goodness toward me. I don't deserve what He continues to provide but I will gladly take it in. 

As I reflect back on my time last year, I am sad that I won't be spending this New Year's Eve with my friends. For me, it's not about the celebration, the count down, or the New Year's Eve kiss, it's about being surrounded by the people I love. I miss you friends! My life isn't the same without you in it every day, and even though I speak to you often, I miss your presence. I miss your smiles, your silly giggles, your random jokes and your quirky personalities. And to the one I haven't talked to, I miss you too! 

I'm tan in Korea!

Yep, it's true, I'm tan in Korea! I remember one time while working at CPS, one of my coworkers was teaching her daughter how to say the colors in Spanish. I don't know why but we challenged her to tell us the color of our skin. My coworker who's actually Hispanic but gets mistaken for being Asian was quickly referred to as "amarillo" and as the littler girl pointed to me she shouted "rojo." 

I tell you that story because Saturday on my 6 hour walking adventure, I went into a cosmetic store to buy makeup. I don't wear makeup very often, only when I'm going out with friends and shortly before I left to come here, I ran out of the little powder I had left and forgot to buy some. I don't know if it's the aftermath of the jet lag or the fact that I'm getting older, but I have dark circles under my eyes and I've been in desperate need of concealer and powder. In my attempt to communicate with the girl at the store who insisted on helping me (even though I'm sure I would have been much better off without her help) she picked a powder and I laughed inside thinking "Seriously, that is way too light, can't you see my face." After exchanging several different hand signals to try to tell her I needed a darker color, three shades later we got something that looked like it was close enough. 

I used the concealer and powder the next day before church only to realize it was not even close to the color I need. But, I've learned something about the women here in Korea, they desire to be shades lighter than their actual skin color. So, for the time being, (and because I am and don't want to spend more money on make-up) I will join the light faced club and wear my powder that is too light for my skin. 

Here are some other interesting things I'm sure you would love to know, enjoy! :D 
- Whitener is put in face moisturizer, to achieve the lighter skin look I was just referring too. 
- No one where's sunglasses. The sun shines just as bright in Korea as it does in Texas but I'm the only person walking around with bug eyed sunglasses. 
- Koreans are fascinated with foreigners. Every where I walk people are starting and random men laugh and say hello in English 3 times as they pass you looking back. 
- When taking a picture, instead of saying "cheese" you say "kimchi" and the picture would not be complete without someone putting up the peace sign.
- If a Korean says the word "spicy" it is code for "You crazy American girl, this is too hot for you!" 
- And finally, I would like to thank Stephanie so very much, for without her, I would have bought the laundry detergent that was not actually laundry detergent but bleach and I would have a very bland wardrobe. 

It is sinful to be unhappy and single.

It's 4am and I'm wide awake after waking up in the middle of a dream about a guy back home talking to one of my friends. In my dream I was so overcome with jealousy that I actually got up and left the social gathering we were all attending (jealousy is still a sin I struggle with if you didn't pick that up). I woke up thinking to myself, "Why am I jealous over a guy who has never even been mine?" As I write this blog there is a chance he will be reading this so I'm hesitant to post, but I know there are women out there who follow my blog who are moved and touched by the things the Lord reveals to me so I am taking the chance of him reading this, hoping God will use my words to help encourage and move you if you ladies are in the same place I am in.  

A couple days ago I was listening to a sermon my friend Jackie sent me. When I visited her and my sister in Kentucky, I went to church with her and the pastor had just started a message about the Christian Family. That particular day, he was speaking to the husbands in the room but I was still very moved by the things he said so I was very excited when she sent me the message specifically for the single people. One of the first things the pastor said in his message was "It is sinful to be unhappy and single." Don't get too upset when you read that, he was speaking about us being unhappy at our status of singleness. He spoke from 1 Corinthians chapter 7 and spent a lot of time talking about waiting on the Lord. He talked to how our singleness should be maximized to serving the Lord and not seeking out a spouse. He talked about Adam and Eve and how when God realized Adam needed a partner, God moved on Adam's behalf and explained that when the time is right, God will bring you your mate. He gave the example of Isaiah and Rebecca and reminded us that on the same day of meeting Rebecca, Isaiah married her. 

Coming to Korea was an uphill battle for, mostly because of my desire to be married, and if I'm honest with you, being around children every day has been intensifying that desire. When I left, I thought I was leaving the chance to be moving toward going from single to married. My focus was all about my status and my mind was consumed with this pseudo relationship I was in. Looking back, I feel like such a fool. 

At church yesterday, we sang a song that moved me. I'm not sure what the name of the song is, but part of the lyrics say "I bring an offering of worship to my King, no one on earth deserves the praises that I sing." In that moment, God broke me. He helped me to realize I have made this man an idol in my life. We are not dating, we aren't even speaking, yet I spend more time in the day thinking about him than I do thinking about the Lord. That is so backwards!! I've been praying for the Lord to release me from this for a long time now. I hate feeling like this, I hate thinking about it all day, I hate waking up in the middle of the night with feelings of jealousy over something that isn't even mine to be jealous of. 

In the message the pastor says, "First, find your fulfillment in Him, so when God does find your mate, your mate will find a whole person." In my head I know no man will ever fully satisfy me the way the Lord can but my wicked heart keeps thinking I need a husband. I'm glad the Lord is changing my heart in that area. I'm reminding myself of what God says to the Israelite's in Hosea 2:19-20 "And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord." God tells us in Isaiah 54:5  "For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is His name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called." I will take comfort in remaining in this place, knowing God will continue growing me closer to Him. The intimacy I can feel with the Lord continues to far exceed my expectations and I look forward to more of that. If you want to watch the sermon series I spoke of about the Christian Family, click here.

The foreigner "nod and smile"

This morning I woke up with one thing on my mind, explore, explore, explore. I'm not sure if it has been all the "love bugs" I've been getting from the kids at school, or if my body was just in total shock going from 80 degrees in Dallas to 8 degrees in Korea but I have been sick for over a week now. I've been so exhausted that I haven't had the energy to do anything. Today I decided that in spite of the sickness, I was going to get out and trying to figure out this city. So, with Kleenex and chap-stick in hand, I set out to achieve 3 goals. First, find a gym. It is extremely cold here and I'm pretty sure we'll continue getting more snow so running outside isn't really an option for me. Second, buy more clothes. I'm sooooo COLD!! I've realized the layering method we used in Texas just isn't going to cut it here. And last, but most important, locate the church I will be visiting tomorrow. 

I left my house at 9am and the plan was to walk down one road for a mile or so and then turn around and come back and walk down another road in a different direction but always returning to the same mid point so I never got lost. Well, that didn't last very long. Curiosity got the best of me and as my eyes wondered, exploring everything and taking it all in, so did my legs. I roamed around for hours not having a clue where I was but confident if I got too lost I could take a bus or taxi and get home. 3 and a half hours later, not having found a gym or clothing, I stumbled into the part of town where I thought the church was. I searched and I couldn't find it and as I was walking I spotted another foreigner. There is something all the foreigners do here, it's quite odd. You see another foreigner, you nod to say hello without the words and smile to show them you are happy to see someone who looks like you and then you keep walking, never saying a word. It's really weird to me. You can spot another foreigner from a mile away and even though there are many of us here, in a city populated with over a million people, we are few and far between, so why don't they talk to each other? Well today I decided to break the foreigner code. So far, the only foreigners I've seen have been men, and I didn't want to be the creeper girl trying to randomly talk to them. Well today I saw a female! There is something comforting about seeing another female over here. I felt much more confident that if I interrupted her daily routine, she would be less bothered. So, after searching for the church forever, I stopped her and asked her if she knew where it was. Bianca is her name, and she had no clue what I was talking about but she so graciously pulled out her ipad and helped me realize I was totally in the wrong area. She showed me which bus to get on and where to get off so I could find the church. 

I made it to the part of town the church was located and again, walked the city searching. Most signage is written in Korean but some signs are in English so I assumed it wouldn't be hard to spot the English sign or find something that looked like a church. I was wrong! After 45 minutes of walking around aimlessly, I decided to give up. I got on the bus to head back to my apartment and while riding on the bus, spotted the church! It was the opposite direction of the area I roamed, apparently I got off on the wrong bus stop. So, my adventure ended with only 1 of my three goals getting met but you know what, finding a place to connect with others who love Jesus was the most important thing on my list. And, I met a new friend in the process. Thanks Bianca! 

Here are a few pictures from today's adventure. The rest are posted on Facebook.

Life in Korea so far

Okay, I feel like I've been writing a lot lately so I was trying to spare you and wait to write another blog but the demand and questions from my friends and family has made me realize you guys are eager for more so here it is. 

I am no longer living in the "sexy time" hotel and I have officially moved into my apartment. Although the apartment is quite tiny I am content. I have a full size bed which is bigger than the twin size bed I was expecting. I have a full size refrigerator so I'm able to fill it with healthy, yummy groceries and the size of the apartment and furniture is a constant reminder of how much excess I was living in back home. I am absolutely thrilled I have been given the opportunity to build the habit of living minimally while I am here. 

Tiny Tim is the one on the left. Isn't he precious?

I officially started teaching after only 2 days of training. It has been both mentally overwhelming, and the most rewarding thing I've ever experienced. The children melt my heart daily. From 5 year olds who speak better English than I do to 10 year olds who get excited when anything in the story dies.

I knew I would be teaching English to children 5 to 13 years old but I didn't know that I would also be teaching Math, Science and Social Studies. It's giving me a new appreciation for all my friends who are elementary school teachers. As much as I love all the children I work with, I am 100% confident (even though you all think I'm crazy) that I will only be teaching junior high students when I return to the states. Each of my classrooms are no more than 7 students with my smallest class being 2 students. I have one class with two boys who I could get lost in conversation with for hours. They are so intelligent, I can't even begin to wrap my head around all the things they know. And my kindergarteners are the most precious little children I've ever laid eyes on. One little boy in particular, his name is Tim blows my mind each morning. I asked the children to draw a picture of what they eat and drink for breakfast and the next thing I know his little 5 year old brain is saying "Teacher, spelling for Vitamin Water" lol, I love it! 

This will be my Kryptonite! I have no idea what it's called
but it is fried, gooey, sweet and sour seaweed goodness
and I love it!!  

The food here is AMAZING!! I am no stranger to Korean food, I've been eating it for years and thanks to Madhu, I had a partner in crime to enjoy it with when I was in the states. BUT, there are so many things here I've never even seen in America. I haven't found the chicken butthole yet but I promise you I will write a blog about it, with pictures as soon as I do. There are also plenty of "western" food options here if I ever get sick of eating Korean food. I'm super excited to try one Mexican restaurant in particular and post pictures because I know it will make you all laugh out loud as much as I did when I saw it. I'm laughing again now just thinking about it.

Some kind of meat with a mustard sauce. 

I visited a church on Sunday. The pastor of the church is a man from India and although Jesus is the same in America and Korea, church is very different. The church was located in a room inside a building and can probably only hold about 100 people but it was so refreshing to listen as people sang about their love for our Father so passionately. I've been invited to try another church by a woman who has been so kind so I'm hoping to visit that church this Sunday and then start plugging in and serving somewhere. I'm desperately in search of connecting with a body of believers who I can serve alongside. 

You guys have been so wonderful so far and I have been overwhelmingly blessed and touched by all the love, support and encouragement I have received so far. Thank you for understanding where my heart is, thank you for supporting me through this journey even though I know it has been difficult for many of you. Thank you for taking the time to send me encouraging notes and thoughtful messages letting me know you are praying for me. I can't express in words how comforting it has been and there have been times already in the short time I've been here that I have needed it. Missing all of you!

Hard headed woman!

Elvis sang about me before I was even born. In his song, he says "Oh yeah, ever since the world began uh huh, a hard headed woman been a thorn in the side of man.He might as well have said "Brandy" instead of hard headed woman because I now know he was talking about me. I know there are a lot of things the Lord will be teaching me during my time here in Korea. I've laughed a lot to myself as He randomly reminds me of the many things I need to work on, but I'm definitely, 100% certain He will continue to wreck me on my stubborn, hard headed ways. 

Monday, I took a taxi to the immigration office to meet the director of my school. His American name is Clay and we usually refer to him as Mr. O. There is something kind of mysterious about Mr. O. He is usually very quiet but in my time with him he has used the little English he knows to get to know me and to answer the questions I have asked him. I've learned that he is 38, not married but loves children which is why he choose the profession that he did. He studied Piano in school and went to study in America for 2 years. He is a very kind man who has been extremely nice to me and I honestly wonder why none of the Korean women have snatched him up. My guess would be because he is too skinny! I don't know what it is about the Asian culture but they need some meat on their bones. I'm sorry but I prefer a man with a little fluff :) 

Anyways, he arrived at the immigration office before I did and when I arrived I tapped him on the shoulder to let him know I was there. He was sitting, so he stood up and told me to have a seat. I was perfectly fine standing and he had paperwork layed out in front of him so I figured he needed the seat more than I did so I told him I was fine and let him know he could have his seat. I guess it didn't matter than I didn't want the seat because he never sat down. We both stood there, with the chair starring back at us offering itself to us and neither of us sat down. I continued to stand hoping he would get the hint and sit but he never did. It's as if he couldn't allow himself to sit if I was not sitting as well. I'm not sure it is a cultural thing that I have not yet figured out, or if he is just as stubborn as I am, and maybe that has something to do with why he is not married. Either way, I couldn't help but laugh thinking about how long he would have stood there if I didn't give in and sit in the chair. 

Lingering in the presence of the Lord

About a month ago, I was driving home from visiting my sister in Kentucky and with about 7 and a half hours left, I decided to spend the remainder of my drive in prayer. I reached out to my friends on Facebook and asked them to send me prayer requests. I was going to pray regardless of whether or not I got a prayer request, but I wanted to know what was specifically going on in their lives that I could lift up to the Lord. I was absolutely overwhelmed by the amount of prayer requests I got during that time. I received requests from people that are in my life daily and I received multiple requests from people I'm friends with on Facebook but haven't talked to in years. As I got their messages, God opened my eyes to understanding where they are in their walk and He showed me the people I need to be investing more time in. 

As I was doing my quiet time this morning, I was in Isaiah and I was reminded of something someone said to me during my request for prayer. This person prefaced their prayer request with "I have been praying but I don't think the Lord hears my prayers, your faith is so much stronger than mine and I know the Lord answers you when you ask." Hearing them say this completely broke my heart. I spent some time talking to this person and helping them understand how they can feel more connected with the Lord but as I read in Isaiah chapter one this morning my heart began to hurt again and I wondered how many other people feel the same way my sweet friend did.

Growing up I had a super fun youth minister who always found a fun way to relate what scripture said to our teenage brains. I remember one particular time he was talking about the importance of confession of sin. Brother Stan encouraged us to turn all the lights off in our bedroom, sit in the closet with a notebook and a pen and pray that the Lord reveal to us anything that was creating a barrier in our relationship with Him. I remember the first time I did this, page after page of people I needed to ask for forgiveness from and sins that I needed to confess. You see, the list was extremely long because outside of asking the Lord to save me, I had never asked for forgiveness or confessed anything. In that moment, my teenage self needed to ask for forgiveness for everything. So, with my list in hand, I prayed, one by one, sin by sin, I confessed and I prayed asking the Lord for forgiveness. I tell you that story because recently at the Shane and Shane concert, they spoke about Lingering in the presence of the Lord. Shane asked why we are always in such a hurry to leave the presence of the Lord and why we have such a hard time just sitting there spending time with Him. To my dear friend who said the Lord can't hear her prayers, I encouraged her to sit quietly with the Lord and pray what I prayed so long ago, asking the Lord to reveal to her the things that were standing in her way of growing more intimately with Him. I may not sit in my closet anymore, but I do still participate in this silly exercise. Most days I find myself daily asking for forgiveness for something I have done but there are times when I am feeling disconnected or I don't feel the Lord as closely as I usually do and in those times I remind myself to be still and be with the Lord. 

I can't express to you the amazing feeling I get every day waking up knowing the Lord is by my side. I hope if you don't feel that right now you long to find that connection with Him. I am about to repeat some things you have probably heard time and time again but there is a reason everyone keeps telling you these things... Spend time in the word DAILY! Meditate on His truth. Talk to Him through prayer. Confess your sins. Sit and be still! There is no better way to get closer to the Lord than to spend time with Him each day. If you aren't doing that right now you are missing something. Don't miss out on the great connection He desires to have with you any longer. Sit with Him, talk to Him, listen to what He has to say. You will be amazed! 

When you have some time, check out this message from Matt Chandler, Under the Faucet. 
Under the Faucet

Brandy teacher, I love you!

My time in Korea has brought so much joy to my life already. It's amazing how much peace and calmness God brings when you are obedient to His calling. I expected to experience sadness, anxiety and worry this first week but as much as I love and miss you guys, there hasn't been an ounce of any negative emotions so far. I know that time will come, but until then, I am going to soak in every minute of what I am feeling right now.  

My apartment has not been ready so, for the last 5 days, I have been sleeping in a hotel which I can only assume is part of the "Red light" district. Outside my window, I can see a "Sexy Bar" and a "Red Bar" and my very first morning here, I encountered several piles of vomit on my way to go get breakfast. I'm sure you are wondering where I can find joy in all of the "sexy time" and vomit but I can't help but smile when I think about how God has placed me in such a lost place. I truly have my work cut out for me and I'm overwhelmingly excited thinking about how many souls will be added to the kingdom in the time I am here. 

Monday was my first day at the school. I was greeted by tons of Korean children running toward me with arms wide open grabbing every part of my body and screaming "Brandy teacher, I love you!" They don't know a thing about me and I wonder if they understand what those words mean, but I don't care. Hearing them say those words just melts my heart. They are so affectionate and I am eating up every second of it. I have children climbing in my lap, laying their head to rest on my chest and wanting any affection I am willing to give and I am sure it won't take them long to figure out that I am ready to shower them with love and affection every minute of every day. 

I'm sad to report I have not yet had an opportunity to try all the exciting food Korea has to offer but I will definitely be doing some exploring this weekend. 

Here are some of the things I have learned about Korea so far;

- Korean children get assigned English names. Some as normal as Ashley or Sarah, others like Tinkerbell. 
- Korean children are considered 1 year old when they are born. So, they have a Korean age and an American age. Interesting huh?
- It is true... Asian children love to learn! They are so proficient, they are quick and they ask a million questions until they understand it perfectly. I love the way their little brains work and I'm so excited to teach them. 
- Everything in Korea is cute. Nothing is a solid color, everything has a print or a pattern or some random animated character on it. 
- Korean women don't like to wear pants in the freezing cold whether. A pair of leggings and a pair of shorts, no problem. Seriously girls? 
- Freckles are considered a flaw. I had to have my photo taken for a health exam and I watched the man airbrush every single freckle off my face before printing the picture. 
- There is no toilet paper in public restroom. There are random toilet paper dispensers in each building but none in the actual bathroom. So, be sure you know how much you need because that is the only chance you will get. 
- And finally, if you see a barber shop with more than one pole, this is a "special" barber shop. Apparently the more poles, the more "services" they offer. Thank you Marisol for filling me in on this!

It's only been 5 days and I am amazed at how many interesting things I have already learned about this culture. I have absolutely no clue what is in store for me here but I am excited to share this journey with you. Until next time...

Koreans don't speak Spanish!

So, for a little over a month, I've been reading a book trying to teach myself how to speak Spanish. I've been telling myself I was going to do it forever and I finally stopped procrastinating and started learning. I am no where close to being proficient but learning none the less.

Well, living in Texas any time someone doesn't understand what you are saying a good percentage of the time it's because they speak Spanish. Working in the Social Work field, I've learned Spanglish and I can understand some of the things they say and through hand gestures and broken Spanish we can sometimes make it work.

In my attempt to communicate with the Koreans, I don't know why, but I've been trying the same thing. These poor Koreans!!! I have no idea why my brain has been making the connection that it is even a little bit logical to say Spanish words but it has, and it has been a hilarious mess. They look at me with blank stares and then I realize it is because not only am I speaking one language they don't understand, I am throwing more foreign words in the middle of it all.

I have heard several people over the years say the words "If they live in our country, they should know how to speak our language." In my 5 days here, that has been breaking my heart. I realized how cold we are to the stories of the people that are in our country. Yes, some have come illegally, but a lot have come for a better life. Refugees from extreme violence, women and children trafficked for sex crimes, and people who wanted to provide a better future for their families. I hope we will be able to show a little more grace to those that cannot understand us. And remember, learning a new language is hard!!

A beautiful love story...

Growing up in a military family, you can spot a soldier from a mile away. They have a certain "swag." Each branch even has their own "swag," you can tell Army from Air force, Navy from Marine and if for some crazy reason, they don't have the military swag, you can pick them out based on their haircut :) So, standing in line to go through security clearance this morning I met a man in the Air force. We started talking and he told me he was in Dallas for training but is currently stationed in California. 

Having both arrived insanely early for our flight to Los Angeles we made small talk. We spoke about the military, and how long he's been in, he told me about his wife and showed me pictures of his beautiful daughters and I mentioned God and he quickly reciprocated with confirmation that he too was a believer. Y'all know I never shy away from a chance to make a new friend and it was absolutely comforting to know he is a believer. As he asked me about Korea I told him why I was going I also told him about how I hesitated to follow through because of selfish reasons. I didn't tell him what that meant but in his mind he knew and shortly after saying those words to him he told me a beautiful story about how he met his wife. 

The story started with Tim telling me, God always has a plan. He told me he had his life mapped out was completely on track with the way he thought things would work and was about to propose to his girlfriend of two years when she told him she didn't want to be an air force wife. Devastated and unsure what to do, he spent some time rebelling from God. He found his way back to trusting the Lord and met his now wife Amy. Tim told me about the first time he met Amy.  While helping a friend move, she was in sweats and had a side pony tail. He saw her again, out with some friends and as she caught his eye, not recognizing her, he asked a friend who she was. He told me about their first interactions with each other on a group outing, Tim made a joke and Amy responded with a feisty comment that again caught his attention. As Tim found the courage to ask Amy out, the schedule to have their first date on a Wednesday. The Monday of the week they would go on their first date, Tim got on his knees and cried out to the Lord asking Him to speak. He didn't want to go through the heartbreak he had recently went through and he just wanted to know what God's plan was. Tim told me that in His time of crying out to the Lord he heard the Lord tell him, "You will marry her." Tim explained he was thrown off guard, yes, he was seeking answers but how could the Lord be telling him he would marry someone he had only known for a couple weeks and hadn't even been on a date with. Tim and Amy went on their first date and shortly after their first date he told Amy about what the Lord revealed to him during his time of prayer. As he told Amy this, Amy responded saying "I know," confused Tim sought clarity and Amy said, "God told me the same thing the morning of our date." They were engaged 3 weeks later and have celebrated 9 years of marriage together. 

As I heard this story my initial reaction was "that's just crazy." How can you know you will marry someone after just a couple weeks of knowing them? God reminded me of a couple things through my time talking to Tim. First, God is not a God of confusion ( 1 Corinthians 14:33), He promises that if we seek Him with ALL of our heart, we will find Him (Jeremiah 29:13). Tim was seeking the Lord and asking God to speak and God spoke. He knows our desires and He knows where our heart is and in everything we go through, He always has a plan. Tim knew 3 things about Amy, he was attracted to her, she was witty and could banter back with him and she loved the Lord. I think our generation definitely makes dating far more complicated than it has to be. This stranger in the airport has no idea what is going on in my life and in my heart but the Lord completely used him to open my eyes. Tim trusted the Lords plan and just went with it. I don't know Amy but I think based on what Tim told me about her she would be my kind of girl. I am so encouraged by their blind faith to trust what the holy spirit was telling them.

My journey down the scale from 229 pounds

***Warning, this blog is very long***

I've been going back and forth on what I should include in this blog and as I've prayed through this, the Lord has reminded me of how many people struggle with body image issues. The risk of embarrassment and judgement by others is lurking in the back of my mind but I am reminding myself of Galatians 1:10 and Romans 12:2. You are about to get a private look at a very vulnerable place, I hope by opening up and being 100% honest, lives will be impacted and it will inspire change. I know this is a sensitive area and please hear me when I say that some of the things I am going to talk about are not going to be fun for you to hear if you are struggling with body image but you need to hear them. I pray that God will use my words to touch your hearts so that you may also feel the conviction of recognizing we are to honor the Lord with ALL that we are and that includes how we take care of our bodies. 

"Unfair as it is, our society still discriminates the overweight... Your weight plays a role in how other people see you and treat you." As much as I would love to tell you that quote is a lie, it is absolutely the truth. We may adore the people in our lives in spite of their appearance but our first impression of them has a lot to do with what they look like. We judge the clothes they are wearing, we are envious of how beautiful they are or we criticize what they could be doing differently that would make them more attractive. I confess to you that even having struggled with being overweight myself I am  guilty of judging others based on their weight. 

Prior to my most recent attempt at losing the weight I had gained, I tried numerous weight loss programs. You name it, I signed up. Jenny Craig 3 times, L.A. weight loss, Adkins, South Beach, Weight Watchers, countless gym memberships, a profile on Spark Pages and none of it worked! For me, the motivation for losing weight was all about the number on the scale. Do you know that 96% of attempts to lose weight by Americans end in failure? Yep, that was news to me too. No wonder so many people struggle with this. As I worked those programs, I lost a little bit of weight here and there but I always gained it back. There was no investment from my heart, and more importantly I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. For me, I thought the reason I was single was because of my appearance  After all, the world tells us that if we aren't a size 2, we are ugly and unattractive. I believed those lies. It wasn't until I heard the following words that the light bulb in my head made a new connection, "Do it because you are loved not so that you can be loved." Those words awoke my soul and helped me realize I was approaching this entirely the wrong way. My thought process was backwards. I was holding myself to the standards of the world and not the standards the Lord expects of me.

My size 16 pants

November 27th will forever be marked as the day I was able to fit into a size 10 jean. To most women the thought of a size 10 makes them tense up but for me it was a huge accomplishment. When I started this journey, I was popping out of a size 16. If I'm honest with myself, I should have been wearing a size 18. Growing up I couldn't gain a pound if I tried, I was so skinny you could see my hip bones! My years of pour eating habits and lazy lifestyle finally got the best of me and the number on the scale started going up. I knew I was getting bigger but I never weighed myself and it wasn't until a new job required a physical that I stepped on the scale for the first time in years to read the numbers 229!!!! Admitting that to you is not easy but it's important for you to know my number, not for me to brag about how much I've lost but for you to know that whatever your number is, you are not defeated by it. I know you feel it may be a lost cause and you're never going to lose the weight but that is a lie! I am proof that God changes the hearts of those who seek Him and He listens when we surrender to Him and ask for His help!  

The night I put on the size 10 jeans :)

Many of the people in my life have been asking "How are you losing the weight," "What are you doing." It is important for you to know that first and foremost, "I" am not responsible for the physical changes that you are seeing. Yes, I have put time and energy into honoring God with my body but I absolutely would not be at the place I am if it weren't for the Lord's continuous voice speaking to me and the push He gives when I cannot find the strength. The first step for me was getting to a place of absolute surrender. When I realized I could no longer do this on my own, I asked the Lord to help me and He did. 

Surrender/Get support:

"God freed me from keeping it secret. What Satan planned for mass evil, God used for His great good!" Those are the words of Lysa Terkeurst, the author of Made To Crave. If you struggle with weight loss or any form of eating disorder please, please purchase her book. It is wonderful! The first step toward a healthy track of weight loss for me was shining light onto things I was keeping in the dark (Ephesians 5:8-11). By keeping things hidden I was never going to get any better. My community group knew I struggled with body image but they had no idea the extent of what I was going through because I didn't share. I never told them I was eating fast food almost every day and spending hundreds of dollars a month just to eat out. I never told them I would choose where I wanted to eat solely based on who which place had the better dessert option. I never told them I was physically addicted to food and used it to treat every emotion I was feeling instead of turning to my savior who promises to be more than enough. First step - confession, second step - create a support group. When I confessed to God and asked for forgiveness an enormous weight was lifted and I instantly felt His presence with me offering to help carry me along through this journey. God reminded me that leaning on Him for strength was only the first step and I needed support from those who were in my life daily. So, I reached out to those I knew I could trust and asked them for help. I was raw with them, completely exposed, I admitted my weight for the first time in my life, I confessed when I messed up and they encouraged me and helped pick me up when I fell down. Their support helped give me the strength to keep going, and knowing I had to answer to God and my friends and family kept me from eating an entire pizza or indulging in a half a bag of cookies. I stopped binging and started praying and digging into the word.

Pray/Dig into the word:

I have a dear friend who has also struggled with over eating and body image. Her name is Kristin Kons, you may know her from the Television show Know The Cause. Kristin is such a beautiful soul and God wrote her into my story to speak truth and help me along this journey. Kristin you are beautiful and I am so blessed that you offer yourself daily to be used by God. You are such an inspiration, thank you for all you have done so far! You can click HERE to visit Kristin's website Eating With Purpose where you can read her story and get some great healthy recipes. The first time I met with Kristin to discuss her weight loss journey, I had so many "Ah ha" moments. Kristin talked about surrendering to the Lord, she shared with me about moments when she stood in front of the cabinet wanting to make an unhealthy choice and just started praying and telling Satan to go away. She talked about quoting scripture and how Satan doesn't like it when we use the word of God to combat his temptations. So, I began to equip myself and add tools to my toolbox to help fight the temptation when it came. I dug into the word and wrote down bible verses that spoke to me and just started memorizing them. Every time I was tempted to drive through Chic Fil A (waffle fries and chocolate chunk cookies are my weakness) I quoted 1 Corinthians 10:13 or 1 Corinthians 10:23. Every time my body lied and told me I was tired and couldn't finish my 3 mile run I quoted 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 or Romans 12:1. When I wanted to indulge and have a second serving of the delicious food I was eating, knowing that my body didn't need it I would quote Psalms 73:26 or Exodus 16:4. My prayer life began to be strengthened and my relationship with God was growing because I relied on Him and wasn't trying to fight the battle on my own. The Lord reminded me that He is more than enough to satisfy my needs and He proved that to be true over and over again. When I broke down and gave into my flesh I surrendered again and He continuously gave me strength. 

Don't give up if you make a mistake:

This one is huge! So many times in the past I would be on track, doing good and losing weight and I would make an unhealthy choice. That one bad decision lead to fits of binging, feelings of guilt and shame and an easy target for Satan to attack and tell me things like "You're such a loser, you can't even go 3 days without fast food you will always be fat." Over and over again I could hear the devil persecuting me and I believed the lies he was telling me so I gave up. I would find the courage to try again and again I would fail and give up. Kristin helped me realize it doesn't have to be all or nothing. If you make a mistake acknowledge the mistake, confess it and get back on track. To this day, I still make unhealthy choices, there are days when I know I can fight the temptation and I choose not to and I have to repent from that and keep moving forward. This is not an easy journey, you will make mistakes, you will fail but you have to reprogram your thought process and believe that you can do it. Mark 11:24 tells us "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." 

Recognize and replace the negative self talk:

When I realized there is no way I was going to be able to do this on my own I googled "Christian weight loss" and up popped information about Dr. Frank Smoot.   I downloaded his e-book and was completely encouraged by the way he used the scripture to help encourage others through the weight loss journey. Dr. Smoot talks about identifying our "self sabotaging believes." These are the thoughts that trigger our emotional eating habits. You know what I'm talking about. If you have a bad day at work, you need the greasy hamburger from McDonalds. If your boyfriend breaks up with you, you find the nearest grocery store and indulge in the Double Chocolate Fudge Brownie Ice Cream. If you get good news, you want to celebrate by having a "treat." Please hear me when I say it is okay to eat the foods I just mentioned if you control your portions and your motives are in the right place. I would really encourage you to purchase Dr. Smoot's book. It is very long but that is because it is jam packed with truth that will help you along this process. 

Additional tid bits:

- Portion control, portion control, portion control! I can't stress this enough! If you are an emotional eater this is the number one thing you need to get into check. One of the best pieces of advice Kristin gave me was to get a small plate and put just enough food to fit the small plate, eat that and then come back to eat again after I had given it time to settle. We consume far more than our body needs and we need to slow down and enjoy our food. Cut back on your portions and eat more frequently. 

- Get moving! We live in a beautiful world full of God's magnificent creations. Get outside and soak it in. Admire what surrounds you, you don't need to go for a run, just walk, even if it is just 20 or 30 minutes a day, set aside some time to stay active. 

- Educate yourself!!! Please, stop consuming food if you have no clue what is in it. There are so many added chemicals that are completely unnecessary and cause our body stress. Our body is not intended to consume the process foods so it doesn't break it down and it is getting stored causing excess weight. Check out the youtube video "Sugar: The Bitter Truth" and go from there. YOU are responsible for what you are consuming, not the people producing the food. 

- Eat clean! With the resources available to us, there are countless recipes and options for healthy eating. It is delicious food. Don't believe the lies that you are missing out by eating healthy you will be gaining so much more. 

And finally, I want to say that if you are reading this blog with a "goal weight" or size in mind, the things I have written will not help you. If there is one thing I have learned through this entire process, it is that my journey will never end. I have an addictive personality that will always make me want more. I am a sinner who is drawn to all things evil and I lack self control and will power to achieve anything 100% on my own. I will forever have to seek the Lords support and help no matter what size I am or what the scale says. I say that because I want you to know that you are not alone. I am still taking this journey with you and if you need support, encouragement, advice or have questions you want answered, please, please contact me. I will pray for you and help you in whatever way possible. 

Say what you mean and mean what you say

We've all heard that phrase before, "Say what you mean and mean what you say." Well that has been stirring in my mind lately. I can't seem to wrap my head around why single men and women in their 20's and 30's still find it necessary to be cryptic and evasive in their communication with one another. I know the fear of rejection cripples a lot of us but I honestly don't understand why. Rejection is helpful, it pushes us away from going the wrong direction and puts us back on the right path. If a guy intentionally shows he is not interested in me, it doesn't leave me hanging or wondering if something could happen. Yes, it may hurt for a little while but I would much rather experience the temporary heartache than spend a year wasting my time investing in something that is never going to go anywhere. 

As I'm preparing to leave, I've noticed something about men... Suddenly the fear of rejection seems to be a softer blow when they feel they've got nothing to lose. In the last month, 3 men have come forward to tell me they currently have or have had some kind of romantic interest in me and they are sad that I am leaving. Seriously?? Let me say that again, SERIOUSLY?? I really don't understand why they think that's even a little bit appropriate. (To the one that said the words "I am glad I have been able to channel what I was feeling for you into loving you like a sister," thank you for taking the time to clarify your current intentions) The only reason they should be saying those words is if they have the intention of continuing to get to know me on a deeper level, and if that's the case it needs to be 100% clear, black and white. Ephesians 4:29 encourages us to not allow any unwholesome talk come out of our mouths, only what is helpful for building others up. As much as I'm flattered to know there is some interest coming from men that are not criminals or mentally ill, how is this building me up? It messes with my head and leaves me wondering what could have happened if I didn't go to Korea and that's not fair to me. 

Here is an excerpt I took from the Boundless article The Hindrance of a Hint, click here to read the whole article, great stuff! 

"Why is it that we are afraid to speak directly to someone? Why do we rely on hints and avoidance techniques? I would argue that this is a manifestation of what the Bible calls "fear of man." We are worried about what others think of us — either we crave their approval or we fear their rejection. There's also laziness involved. It's much easier to duck someone with an expectation of us than it is to gently and graciously talk to them about it. But does this build up our brothers and sisters for their benefit (Ephesians 4:29)? Does this follow after the Proverbs 31 model to speak with wisdom and kindness? And will we have to give a good or poor account of our careless words (Matthew 12:34-37)?"

My hope is, that as mature adults, we will stop playing childish games with one another. Stop fearing what other people will think of us and do what is best, what will guard their hearts and what will be "helpful in building them up." If you have an interest in someone and you know enough about them to know you want to pursue them, ask them on a date! If you don't have feelings for someone but think they may have feelings for you, be bold and have a courageous conversation letting them know you don't feel the same way so their heart won't linger waiting for you to make a move. And if someone you have feelings for isn't being clear and intentionally pursuing you, MOVE ON! If they can't bring themselves to be intentional God needs to work on their ability to lead you well, let Him do that.

The friend I've never met

Hebrews 13:1-2 Keep on loving one another as brothers and sisters. Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by doing so, some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it. 

This December marks the 4 year anniversary of a time of great confusion in my life. I was living with my little sister in her college apartment, sleeping on the couch waiting to leave for Hertfordshire, England. I accepted a job to be a social worker and right before I was about to leave God slammed the door right in my face and told me that was not His plan. As things have fallen into place for Korea, I would be lying if I didn't admit that I have had some anxiety and fear that He would shut the door again. Satan's voice has been in the back of my mind whispering, "You don't know how to discern God's will for your life, you've been wrong before, you're wrong again."   

When I got the news last night that my plane ticket has been purchased I was taken back by my reaction. Surprise was what I felt. With all the excitement and eagerness I've felt about getting to Korea, I think part of me still expected something to go wrong. As I sat there experiencing all different kinds of emotions, I couldn't help but think back to how different this experience has been than what I was feeling as I prepared to leave for England. During that time, I was running from things God was trying to help me heal from and this time I'm running toward growth. During that time I was leaning on worldly things for strength and comfort and this time I am falling into God's arms and letting Him embrace me tightly through this journey. During that time I was feeling alone and disconnected and this time I'm feeling completely surrounded by love and totally amazed at all the support I am receiving. God is so good! 

Through the process of getting things in order for England I met 4 women who would be arriving in England around the same time. To stay in touch, one of the ladies created a yahoo group and we all became Facebook friends to help encourage and support each other through the process. Two of the ladies ended up going to England and the other 3 of us did not. I lost contact with all of them except for one. Over the last 4 years of being her Facebook friend I've learned that we have a lot in common. We both absolutely love F-R-I-E-N-D-S and although I can monologue every episode, she seems to think she could win at a trivia challenge. Her heart is full of love for others and it has been a joy to see her grow over the last 4 years. Recently she got married and while she is far away in Maine, because of the connection we made via Facebook 4 years ago I was able to get a glimpse of the beautiful bride through pictures. We have exchanged lots of "likes" and "comments" on Facebook and although we've never met I feel like I know her. It's crazy to me that a social networking site can make you feel so connected to people from so far away. But thinking about how my friendship with someone I've never even met has flourished and grown despite the distance brings comfort in knowing that the relationships I have now will continue to grow as well. I hope you all know that I desire to keep in touch with you throughout this journey. I desire to know what is going on in your lives and continue to love, support and encourage you from afar. I'm not sure if Kristen and I will ever meet but I'm so glad she continues to let me be a part of her life. Thank you for staying in touch and reminding me of what it means to love your neighbor as yourself. You are such a blessing. 

You'll be a better wife because of it

Hello my name is Brandy, and I am a control freak. I want things done the right way and by the right way I mean my way. I'm a tad bit OCD, my shirts get hung on white hangers and my pants on blue hangers and if you try to help me and mess it up I will be kind to you but will secretly be totally annoyed and go back and correct every single thing that is wrong when you're not looking. The guys I work with have figured out my OCD tendencies and often mess with me at work by slightly adjusting my chair or computer screen. To most people, they don't even notice the change but I notice and it DRIVES ME CRAZY! 

In past blogs I've mentioned my struggle with releasing control of my singleness and lately God has certainly been testing my ability to let go. A couple weeks ago I met with my friend Kristin for tea. Right before speaking to her I had an uncomfortable conversation with the man who has my heart and I was telling her about it. After listening to me rant, Kristin said some very powerful words, "Brandy, the Lord is shaping you to become a virtuous woman who will be an amazing wife, stop interfering with his work." God used Kristin to speak right to my heart and convict me of something I needed to release. I went home that night and spent hours in prayer and confession asking God to take from me the thing I couldn't release. My heart has gone through an emotional roller coaster over the last year and I have invested so much time, energy and emotion into something and I don't want it to go away. I want it to flourish and grow. My controlling self wants to keep investing and keep pouring into it but I've realized that I don't have the proper tools to nurture the growth it needs, only God does and realizing that has made the process of letting go a little easier. 

While visiting with my friend Andy, who I haven't seen in over 8 years, we began talking about relationships. I was telling him that my heart is stuck in Dallas. Physically, I may be leaving for Korea in a couple of weeks but emotionally, my heart is not ready to go yet. As Andy and I were speaking, he really encouraged me by reminding me that in the next 12 months, God is going to do wonderful and amazing things in my life. My walk with Him will be strengthened and my heart will be changed and transformed and when God is done writing this chapter of my life I will have so much more to offer the man I will marry because I will be a much better woman than the one I am right now. I love thinking about how God is going to grow me over the next 12 months and as much as the thought of not being able to physically see or speak to the man who has my heart hurts, I know that God has a plan for all of this and I am so thankful. In everything we go through we are to praise the Lord and be thankful because it is all a part of His plan for our lives. So, in the midst of the hurt and heartache, I will continue to be thankful for where the Lord has me right now and where He is taking me next. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:18

1 year sober

5 months ago I went through the process of being matched with girls who would be in community with me. I met so many amazing girls through the process. I met girls who were solid in their faith, I met baby Christians who were hungry for the word and who's passion inspired me and I met 4 amazingly beautiful girls who would soon be part of the community group God chose for me to lead.

Throughout that entire process I prayed heavily for the girls who would be in my group. I had no idea who God would choose but I knew He had a plan, He always has a plan! I prayed that the Lord would soften my heart to whatever struggles they had and that He would equip me with compassion, love, empathy, insight, and wisdom to help them through their struggles. I prayed that with all the flaws written all over me, they would be able to see through the flaws and trust that I was serving our creator and I would lead them well. I prayed that God would remove my insecurities and self doubt and replace it with confidence in knowing that He equipped me to lead them well. I prayed that the Lord would move, that He would speak to us and we would hear Him and that He would change our hearts.

As I got the news of who would be in my group I was so excited but also overwhelmed. Through the process of sharing life maps, these girls revealed struggles I had never dealt with and I doubted my ability to empathize and encourage them through what they were going through. God quickly minimized my fears and doubt as I got to know these girls and the relationships I began to form with them completely opened my eyes and changed my heart. During one of our times of sharing, my friend who is celebrating 1 year of sobriety today, shared these words... "Some days after I get home from work, I would love to have a glass of wine, just one glass... But I know I can't have just one glass." Those words resonated with me so much that night. In the midst of my struggle with food God used her words to help me realize I had an addiction, a dependence on something I could not control and He completely broke me. Her words stirred inside my heart that night and still ring in my head today.

You see, all the time I was praying about how I was going to impact these girls and shine light into their lives, I completely forgot about how God would be using them to shine light into mine. I am so blessed to be allowed to be part of their lives and part of their story and I am so thankful for the encouragement, accountability and truth they have spoken and continue to speak into my life. S, I am so incredibly proud of you, your dedication and drive are such an inspiration. Your journey has helped give me the confidence that I can fight my addiction as well. M, your love and compassion for others brings joy to my life. I love how big your heart is! J, the insight and wisdom you bring to every conversation we have inspires me. I love the boldness you have when you speak truth into my life. B, you have been my rock! You have encouraged me and held me accountable even when I didn't want it and you've done it in such a loving way. I am so blessed by all of you! I love you girls!

How do you know if you are doing God's will?

Yesterday after a night of brokenness I asked a guy at work if he had any resources on discerning God's will from Satan's distractions. Matt didn't really have a clear answer for me but what he did say was so profound and it really resonated with me. He said "I don't know much but I do know this; we are created to be made in the likeness of Christ and we are created to do good works. So, if you are striving to become more like Christ and doing good works, then I believe you are within God's will." I thought to myself "That's it?, Really?" In his short response he seemed so confident. I was expecting him to say more, surely it had to be more complicated than that.

In my head, I always try to piece things together. Everything has to have a purpose and a place and if it doesn't fit I usually discard it, and sometimes I find a place for it. I realized through my conversations with Matt and another friend and some sermons I listened to yesterday that I have been finding a place for a lot of things lately and trying to make them fit. In one of the messages I was listening to yesterday, JP said "Our desperate desire to know God's will replaces our faith." Ouch, how true is that. I think so often we want answers, we want clarity, we want to know what is going to happen next and God never promises us we will know, he just asks us to trust Him. JP's message also reminded me that in all we do we are to love God and love people. Wherever we are, whatever we are doing, whoever we are serving, God wants us there. He wants us loving on them, He wants us showing them compassion, mercy, kindness and gentleness, and He wants us to show them WHO HE IS!

In Matthew 28:19 we are told to "...go and make disciples of all nations..." there are two verbs in that sentence, "go" and "make." Up to this point I've gotten caught up on the "go" part but I realized "make" is the active verb here, that is what we are called to do. Wherever we go, wherever we are, we are to disciple others and grow God's kingdom. God gives us the ability to make choices and decisions about where we will serve Him and how we will serve Him but the bottom line is we should always be extending ourselves. With some new information, I am currently reassessing things and I realize now the choice is mine (:F). My eyes have been opened to new things lately and I just love how God continues to reveal himself. I will never get sick of learning and growing.

When girls choose boys over God...

I moved to DFW a couple weeks after I turned 18. Eager to embrace the big city and start what I thought was going to be a modeling career. Kim Dawson Modeling Agency had shown an interest in me and I was moving to DFW to explore the modeling world. And then I met a boy... My 1st boyfriend, a boyfriend who didn't think his girlfriend should be in magazines and on TV for other guys to see. Modeling for me would have been as PG as it could get but he had some insecurities and didn't want me to do it. So... in love, and with googly eyes I told him I wouldn't do it.

My relationship with the dreaded ex was 2 years of making decisions I knew did not honor God. God was running to me with arms wide open trying to embrace me and I was pushing him away. I was a wreck because I could feel God longing to have me back but I continued to fight it. I made choices during that relationship God used to help me get to where I am today but there is no doubt in my mind that had I been obedient, He still could have taught me those lessons in a different way.

Unfortunately, I still didn't learn after that last relationship. Singleness has always been an area I have tried to hold onto. Despite learning time after time that my way is anything but the right way I still wanted control. About a year and a half ago JP was talking a lot about "embracing" our singleness and making the most of it. I took the challenge to commit to using my singleness to prepare my heart for my husband. I prayed that the Lord would reveal to me things that were keeping me single, keeping me from being ready for the man I knew was prayerfully waiting for me. Well, God answered that prayer, oh did He answer that prayer. He revealed things to me I didn't realize I needed to let go of, He revealed to me things in my heart that were hindering me from growing in a more intimate relationship with Him and would ultimately keep me from growing with my partner when I got to that place. I have searched my heart, prayed, and dug into the word in an attempt to prepare my heart and I have realized I am still not ready.

At 28 the Lord has brought a man in my life who's passion and love for the Lord is so encouraging. He digs into the word and speaks scripture to others. He has a heart of service, surrounds himself with godly men who lift him up because he knows how important that is, and he strives to grow in his walk. He loves his family and I know he will be an amazing husband and a wonderful father to the children he will have. He's definitely not perfect, but his imperfections make his character uniquely intriguing. My friendship with him has made me realize that even when an amazing man of God walks into your life God's timing and God's plan trump everything else. As God was stirring my heart for Korea, Satan was stirring my selfish desires and I'm embarrassed to admit I did it again, I postponed applying to the job in Korea because I was selfish and wanted to see if my friendship with him could be taken to the next level.

Please hear me when I say doing things our own way only takes us on a detour and wastes time. God's plan is far greater than anything we could ever imagine. It's so easy to be stubborn and selfish but when we do things our way it leaves us roaming around hitting the same walls never getting any closer to what we are trying to accomplish. Choosing self, or boys in my case has only postponed God's plan for me. It has left me not getting any closer to things I know God wants to do with me. I am so completely ready to fall into His arms and let him drop me where He wants me next. I don't know who God has out there waiting for me, but I do know I want to continue to prepare my heart for him and strive to be the woman he deserves. I'm done taking detours, I'm done circling the mountain. I'm sure he's sick of waiting on me to figure things out :)

"I get along better with the guys... I don't make girlfriends easy."

I was the really tall awkward skinny girl you grew up with. I didn't get "pretty" until I got to high school and boys didn't like me before my high school days because I was "one of the guys." I was super athletic, played basketball, tennis and track in junior high and soccer and tennis in high school. I was always wearing jeans and a t-shirt, and wouldn't be caught dead in a dress and absolutely DESPISED pink. To this day I own 1 coral dress and one pink Johnny Cash t-shirt (only because they didn't have any other color.) Ruffles, hair bows and knee high socks made me want to vomit and my hair was always in a pony tail. Needless to say, I didn't really have many "girlfriends." Actually, girls kind of annoyed me. I couldn't relate to them, I didn't enjoy chatting about boys because I didn't have boys to chat about, I didn't want them putting make up on me or fixing my hair and heaven forbid if the words "dress up" were involved. I could fake it pretty good when I needed to but I usually tried to avoid situations where I had to fake it. So, in order to justify my distaste for females I used the excuse most tomboy girls use which was "I get along better with guys." It was partly the truth because I did relate more to masculine things, but the real truth was I didn't really want to try to get along with the girls.

Throughout college I had 2 girls I leaned on for everything. Muah, love you both! But that was it, they were my "best friends" and I wasn't trying to find any new ones to add to the list. When I moved back to Dallas after a really bad breakup I knew I need to break away from the "I get along better with guys" excuse and try to make some girlfriends. So I searched for girlfriends and met some through a christian meetup group. You can read my beautifully talented friend Julie's blog to get the full story about how we met here. When I met these girls and realized girlfriends weren't all that bad I continued to seek girls who were like minded who loved the Lord and I now have a plethora of amazing women surrounding me and you know what I've learned... It's easy to make good girlfriends, and girlfriends totally rock!!

Girlfriends write you e-mail prayers when you are having a bad day and they can't call you because your cell phone is considered contraband at work. Girlfriends pray to God and ask him to "take all the cookies away" because she knows you struggle daily with body image. Girlfriends stick by your side for 15 years after you've exposed all your dirty laundry, called them 10 times in one day to cry about the same boy who you continue to take back time and time, heart ache after heart ache. Girlfriends drive to Dallas from Killeen to spend a day and a half with you for your birthday. Girlfriends take a day off work and drive to your house to pick you up and take you to the doctor knowing you will say no up until the very second they knock on the door of your apartment. Girlfriends sit there and listen while you cry to them in the middle of Starbucks for no other reason than because you are physically and emotionally drained and can't hold it in anymore. Girlfriends travel through state parks to look for dinosaur foot prints with an Iphone flashlight just to create a new fun adventure for you to laugh about later.

Girlfriends are amazing. You should get some!