When Flirting Becomes A Danger Zone

Guilty! That's how I've been feeling lately after a recent outing with some of my friends. You see, after not seeing many of them for such a long time, I wasn't quite sure how I would adjust to being back. Would we pick up where we left off? Would things be awkward? Would we be starting all over again? When you've been gone for so long, it's easy to question where you stand in people's lives. After all, I hadn't been a part of many of their lives for the last 12 months. 

 

Those questions didn't even cross my mind when I saw my friends, it was as if nothing changed. We joked, we laughed, and things felt natural. Among the jokes and the laughter was lots of fun banter. I'm the kind of person who loves to banter. I blame my dad for his witty and often misunderstood sarcasm. I love to meet someone who can appreciate my humor and match my banter. It's a unique trait to find. Especially when sensitive emotions tend to cause hurt feelings by something you intended to be a funny joke. But because of this unique kind of banter, I have to be careful not to cross the line between fun banter and flirtatious encounter.

It's really easy to get caught up in treating members of the opposite sex as potential suitors, but we are instructed to treat them as brother's and sister's in Christ.

1 Timothy 5:1-2 tells us to treat others as fathers, brothers, mothers and sisters, WITH ALL PURITY.  Not only are we instructed to treat them the way we would treat family but Paul puts an emphasis on making sure we understand that means to treat them with purity.

We need to be careful not to treat our brother's and sister's in Christ as potential suitors but be reminded that they are someone else's future husband/wife and we need to respect that.

 

Here are a few questions we can ask ourselves as singles before flirting;

1. Am I in a place where I am available to date.

While chatting about a member of the opposite sex, a girlfriend of mine asked "Is he in a season of dating or singleness?" Before attending my current church, I had never heard this term before. If you are not married, aren't you always in a season of dating? Well, the answer to that is no. If you are healing or in recovery, you probably shouldn't be dating while you are going through that. If you have a dependence on something other than the Lord, you probably need to surrender that addiction before you enter in to a relationship. It's not fair for others to take on baggage you haven't even attempted to work through yet. So, if you know in your mind you are not open to being in a relationship, please consider that before flirting with the opposite sex.

2. Have I learned enough about this person to know I want to know more?

Physical attraction is great and it definitely creates "chemistry" between two people but that isn't enough. While banter and flirtatious behavior can give you an indicator the other person is also interested, it's important to learn a little more about them before moving forward. Keep in mind when you flirt with someone, it says "I am interested in you."
 3. Are my actions unique to this person or do I act this way with everyone?

I can't express enough how much of a turn off it is to see someone openly flirt with multiple people. If you are the type of person who is very affectionate or very friendly with everyone, it may be time to evaluate your actions. It may be the very thing that is keeping you single. When you do find someone you are interested in, your reputation will precede your interest and that person may not feel uniquely special if they know this is how you act with everyone.

4. What message do I want others to see?

There have been several times I have seen interactions between two people of the opposite sex and thought they were dating or thought they were interested in each other and it never goes anywhere. We need to be aware that when we flirt with someone, other people see that. We need to think about what message we are sending to others. By flirting, you are saying you are interested in this person so when others of the opposite sex see you acting that way, they assume your emotions are consumed by someone else. When people of the same sex see you flirting, they think that person is off limits because of the way the two of you are interacting with each other. It's not fair to either of you if the flirting isn't leading anywhere.

Single Matters Article - Am I Not Pretty Enough

Friday night, I went to a coffee shop to watch my lovely friend Julie perform. She is a very talented singer, and every time she plays I jump at the chance to go listen to her sing. I’ve listened to her many times before, but this night she sang songs I have never heard before. In the middle of singing her heart out through songs she had written, both past and present, about heartache and love, she sang a Kasey Chambers song called “Not Pretty Enough.” Here are part of the lyrics:

 

Am I not pretty enough?

 

Is my heart too broken?

 

Do I cry too much?

 

Am I too outspoken?

 

Don’t I make you laugh?

 

Should I try it harder?

 

Why do you see right through me?

 

 

As Julie sang these words I fought back the tears created by an emotional tug on my heart. I thought about how many times I’ve felt that way, wondering “What’s wrong with me, why not me?”



In fact, several months ago I asked a guy that very question....


The complete article can be found at the online Christian magazine Single Matters by clicking this link http://www.singlematters.com/am-i-not-pretty-enough/

The secret is out... I'm writing a book!

Naked Friday's at the psych ER, marriage proposals from the criminally insane, or chocolate chunk cupcakes made from poop served directly to me; my life has been full of interesting stories to tell. Over the years you all have made it very clear you hoped I would one day write a book showcasing the stories of the people I've worked with. 

I may one day take you up on that challenge, however, I'm sad to report, that isn't what this book is about.  

Some of you many know that prior to leaving for Korea, there was a man who had my heart. He made me laugh, I enjoyed his company and no matter how many stupid things he did, my heart always smiled at the thought of him. What you may not know is that despite our many dinner's, meet up's over coffee, daily text and phone calls, and intimate conversations about the Lord, we never had the title of being "In a relationship." 

I avoided going to Korea, hoping our friendship would progress into a relationship and after hearing the words "You're everything I want in a wife, but it's just not you," I boarded the plane heart broken and confused. Through the process of healing, I sought the answer to the question "How do I guard my heart." I googled that phrase, desperate to find out how to keep myself from hurting so much the next time. 

In an attempt to find answers, I reached out to several of my girlfriends asking what they thought it meant to "Guard your heart," and not one of them had the same answer. It's at that point, that I realized there were probably many other single women out there, who like me, had no clue how to protect themselves in their relationships, dating or otherwise. 

As my heart began to heal, the Lord opened my eyes to all the things I needed to take responsibility for. He showed me what I did wrong and the things I could have done differently. Over the last 10 months, I have carefully observed the dating habits of my single friends only to find that many of them continue to participate in the same behaviors I did that lead to such devastation. I hope by writing this book, it will educate the single community on the lessons the Lord has taught me in an effort to help them understand how to date in a healthier way. 

I hope you will read the book and spread the news to your friends and family who you think may be interested in reading it as well. Thank you for your continued support! 

5 years sober

If you've ever known anyone who has struggled with a drug or alcohol addiction you've probably heard something like "Hi, my name is ____ and I've been sober for ____ days." When I counseled people with addiction, before I learned anything else about them I knew their addiction and how long they had been sober. This weekend I was taught a very harsh lesson and I learned just how important it is to remind yourself of how long you've had strength to resist the temptation of sin. 

This week was really tough for me. Emotionally, I hit a low I haven't felt in a while. I could feel myself spiraling down and I could also feel Satan plotting with his minions ready to attack. I felt overwhelmed and after fighting temptation, I gave in to one of my sin struggles and turned to food for comfort. Thankfully, the Holy Spirit covered me, assured me I was not defeated and had the strength to push through. I pushed through only to be continually attacked with ferocious weapons that felt too hard to fight. With every dagger thrown at me I could feel myself becoming weaker. Satan's attacks began to get a grip on me and it was as if every sin I've struggled to overcome was suddenly lurking over me and had me in a daze ready to give in. 

I'm ashamed to admit that although I didn't actually participate in the act of sin I was thinking about, I gave power to temptation by letting the thoughts linger and take control of my mind. I began justifying it in my head and making excuses before anything even happened. I convinced myself it would be okay and immediately started to dismiss all the other things I had found victory over.

Fortunately for me, the only direction you can head when you are down is up and something incredibly beautiful happened. Engulfed in lingering thoughts of temptation with Satan and his minions encircling me, I could literally feel Jesus covering me, taking all the daggers being thrown at me. As I pictured Jesus enduring the pain that was intended for me, the Holy Spirit began whispering "5 years Brandy, 5 years. You've fought this battle with strength and self control for 5 years, don't throw that away, you can do this. We will help you." 

God completely broke me in that moment in the most beautiful way. He reminded me of the spiritual growth and transformation He has done in my life in the last few years, and specifically of the growth that happened while I was in Korea. He reminded of the big plans He has to use me in mighty ways and the strides we have made to get closer to that place. And most importantly He reminded me that I have self control! He reminded me of 2 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power, love and self control."

What ever sin you struggle with, alcohol, drugs, lust, anger, over eating, sex, legalism...ect, I want you to know that no sin is too big for you. "God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble." He gets angry when we are distressed, he makes the earth shake and tremble, the heavens quake (2 Samuel 22:7-8) He doesn't like to see us hurting and will continue to take our pain, and equip us with the strength to fight when we are weak. You can do this! Even if you have only been "sober" for 1 day, it is one day of victory and you should be proud of that! 

What are you dressing up as?

It's that time of year. The time of year when pumpkins get a make over with green paint, a wig and a hat, doctored to become a scary witch. The time of year when children rush door to door hoping to find their favorite candy bar and praying they don't hit the house giving out dental floss and toothbrushes. The time of year when people spend countless hours running to different stores trying to pick out the perfect Halloween costume that will transform them from their every day selves into something that gives them a new found identity for just a few sacred hours.

I don't usually get sucked up into the Halloween hoopla. I have the same tradition every year. A trip to the store to buy some candy corn that will satisfy my sugar craving. And a night spent indulging in my favorite Halloween movie, Hocus Pocus, yelling "A muck, a muck, a muck" with Sarah Jessica Parker and daydreaming about the man that will one day be smiling at my cuteness as I serenade him with the words "I put a smell on you, and now your mine, mine, mine, all mine!" Don't judge me :) 

Anyways, amidst all the Halloween craziness, I found it very ironic that the week people are running around searching for disguises, I stumbled across a passage in my quiet time speaking of that very same thing. I found it only fitting to share my thoughts. The passage I am referring to comes from 1 Samuel. After Saul's disobedience to God, his unlawful sacrifice, and his attempt to end David's life (even after he promised David he would stop coming after him), Saul cries out to God in distress but God does not answer him. 

The story of Saul's life is a great example of the constant battle between gratifying our flesh or honoring the Lord. At the beginning of Chapter 28, Saul does the lawful thing by putting the mediums and the spirits out of the land. It's one of the few times in Samuel we see Saul doing the right thing. His attempt to do the right thing, was however quickly overshadowed when his impatience led to him making several impulsive decisions. After Saul cries out to the Lord and does not get an answer, he does what many of us do. Grasp on to whatever we think will bring us the comfort we seek when the distressing unknown is lurking us in the face. So, Saul having just banned the mediums from the land, puts on a disguise. I don't know about you but when I picture Saul frantically trying to find a solution to the Lords silence, I imagine him rushing to put on a disguise similar to the one Sheldon Cooper puts on as he tries to get past Amy Farrah Fowler after she asks him to meet her mom.

Sorry, I digress, if you don't watch The Big Bang Theory, you should! So, all decked out in his disguise, knowing the medium won't see him otherwise, Saul travels to get some answers. The medium knows she will get in trouble if she gets caught so she reminds the man in the disguise that her life is on the line for helping him. Saul, quickly and desperately assures her she will not be punished, even going as far as to swear by the Lord. Saul's time with the medium ends with her calling on Samuel's spirit to reveal that due to his disobedience to the Lord, Saul will soon die. 

In this example, the Lord had no intention of answering Saul's cry to him. But I couldn't help but wonder how many times the Lord has sat up on His heavenly throne patiently waiting to answer my cries to Him just to see if I would be obedient in waiting for his response. This passage made me think of one of my favorite go to verses when I'm struggling with patience. That verse is Isaiah 26:3, "You will keep in perfect peace, him whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you." This verse reminds me that in those moments when I am frantically trying to figure out which way to go, I need not be frantic but to turn my attention to the Lord and remind myself He is there. God promises to keep our minds in peace if we stay focused on him. I hope to encourage you not to run to the next best thing when God doesn't give you an immediate answer, but to be faithful in your obedience to Him by showing Him you trust him.  

The Crafty Harlot

As a single girl, you've probably heard the words "You will find your husband when you least expect it," or "He will come when you stop looking." It's something I've heard time and time again from my married friends. Each time I've heard those words it has come partnered with a beautiful love story of how they met their husband in a time when the last thing on their mind was meeting their mate. Few times, those words have been spoken paired with hidden inflections of frustration as the women expressed how they had gotten to a point where they had given up on love. But each story has something else in common, a woman who's heart was completely devoted to the Lord's plan and provision in her life.

As I was reading in Proverbs recently, I came across a passage titled "The Crafty Harlot." In other translations, this passage is known as the "Warning Against the Adulterous Woman," "The Wiles of the Harlot," and my personal favorite, "Another Warning about Immoral Women, because clearly, we don't get it! 

As I read this passage, I realized the Lord is not only talking about adulterers in this passage but about many of today's single women. Now bear with me girls, I'm not calling you a harlot, or any of the other non so flattering synonyms to the word like hussy, tramp or slut. So please, let me explain myself. 

In Chapter 7, the bible describes the harlot as "loud and rebellious, lurking at every corner." As she speaks to the man she has lurkingly found, she says "So I came out to meet you, diligently to seek your face and I have found you. (vs. 15)" You see, many single women of our day are "on the prowl," searching for their perfect match, Mr. Right, "The One." 

The senior pastor at my church said it best in his blog titled Treasures Don't Do the Hunting.Take a moment to let these very wise words sink in.

"One of the reasons guys don't pursue women, 

is that they don't have to...

Why? 

Because he has no reason to pursue you privately,

if he can always enjoy you publicly..." 

It seems to me that the christian single life is becoming more and more appealing. Why do guys need to make a commitment when they can have 3 to 4 group dates with you each week. They see you at church, service opportunities, dinner after the softball game, and of course the weekly Friday/Saturday night social outings. You put your best clothes on in anticipation of being able to see the latest guy you are crushing on, scanning the room so your eyes can meet his to see if he notices you.

It breaks my heart to see so many women discontent in their singleness when Paul tells us it is one of the greatest gifts we can have. He tells if we are single not to seek a spouse. He reminds us that "The unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord that she may be holy both in body and in spirit." free to serve the Lord without distraction. 

One of my new favorite examples of how to serve the Lord without distraction is a woman in the bible who doesn't get a lot of attention. Her name is Anna. 

Everything we know about Anna is captured in three short verses in the book of Luke. Anna is described as "very old," "a widow of 84 years." Unclear of whether she was 84 years old or a widow for 84 years, what we do know is she was with her husband only 7 years and spent the rest of her adult life as a widow, wholeheartedly devoted to the Lord. Verse 37 tells us that Anna "did not depart from the temple, but served God with fasting and prayers DAY and NIGHT." Anna was a devoted follower of the Lord who understood where her time should be spent. She cried out to God daily, spent time with Him nurturing her relationship with him and putting others before herself and she fasted and prayed. 

I pray that we will be devoted to a life of putting God first, that as a single woman you will be described by the same words and phrases used to describe Ruth, Ester and Anna and that we will stop creating opportunities for future texts titled "Again, Another Warming about Immoral Women. "

I hope as a body of single women, we will be mindful of our actions and where we are spending our time. If you are spending more time out at social gatherings in your conquest to find a mate than you are seeking the Lord and getting to know Him more intimately then you might need to re-evaluate your priorities. 

We are the Ruth's, Ester's and Anna's of the future generation. Let's be an example to the girls following behind us and help them understand their worth is not found in men. Allow yourselves to be less available to men and more available to God and trust me when I say that when your heart is so hidden in God, you will be come undeniably attractive to every man of God around you.

Christian Cliche's

I have something to confess. I have been guilty of giving the typical christian cliche response when my friends and family have come to me with struggles. In my heart, I am a "fixer" trying to save the world and when someone in my life is hurting my initial response to fix the situation and remove the hurt and pain. Recently, while reading the book of Job, the Lord convicted my heart of that very thing and opened my eyes to seeing how that is not helpful. 

To refresh your memory, Satan was "checking in" with God in heaven (Job 1:6) and they began talking about Job. The Lord told Satan "there is none like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man, one who fears God and shuns evil." God was confident in Job's faithfulness and obedience to him so he allowed Satan to use his power over Job commanding only one thing, that he not "lay a hand on his person." Satan used his power indeed, causing Job to lose his property and his children and infecting him boils all over his body. Job was in so much pain he cried out to the Lord cursing the day of his birth. 

Can you imagine losing everything you own, your family and battling and illness that daily causes tremendous pain. Job was justifiably upset. He cried out to God in anger, he didn't understand what was going on. And although God comforted Job from afar, he also provided 3 men on earth that were friends to Job during this difficult time in his life. As I continued to read through the bible's mention of Job's three friends, conviction stirred my heart. 

In Chapter 4 we are introduced to Eliphaz who reacts by telling Job "Remember now, who ever perished being innocent?" Eliphaz was convinced the reason Job was facing so much turmoil in his life was because of some unconfessed sin he needed to deal with. His friends Bildad and Zophar had similar feelings, telling Job he needed to repent for whatever he had done. 

All three of these men saw what Job was going through and believed He was being punished by God. They urged him to confess and repent for his wrongdoing, when all the while Job was being taken through a trial we would be talking about years later as we reflect upon Job's faithfulness to the Lord through his difficulty. These men had no idea what was really going on but they formed opinions about what they thought was happening and tried to "help" Job by giving him useless and unnecessary advice. 

Here are some do's and don'ts we can all take away from this passage. 

Do:

- Prayerfully consider how you will respond. If a friend approaches you in times of trouble or sadness, grief or mourning, allow yourself time to say a prayer (even a quick one) asking the Lord to speak through you what HE wants you to say. 

- Listen more and talk less. Often times when someone is hurting they just need to get it out. They don't always need the problem to be fixed right then and there. You can be the most help by letting them talk to you and not responding. 

- Always pray for discernment. If you are continually asking the Lord to provide discernment, He will. The holy spirit is our helper and he will speak to you and guide you if you are seeking it. 

Don't:

- Don't be impulsive. One of the things Job's friends did right was lay with him and wait (2:13). They didn't speak, they just sat with him and waited, acknowledging that his grief was great. 

- Don't respond with the typical christian cliche's like; "God works in mysterious ways," "God has a plan for you," "God doesn't give us more than we can handle," and "If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it." They are not helpful and frankly, very annoying. 

- Don't google "bible verses for encouragement" and pick the first thing that "speaks to you" to send to your friend in need. 

Lastly, I want to point out the Lord's response to Job's three friends in this situation. In Chapter 42 v. 7 God says "My wrath is aroused against you and your two friends, for you have not spoken of Me what is right, as my servant Job has... My servant Job shall pray for you." Be the Job in these situations, the man being USED by God, not the man angering God.