I've Moved

Hello All,

I am anxious to share with you the new projects I have been working on. I am no longer blogging from this site and moved to a new website. Come visit me at www.brandycoty.com

Don't forget to subscribe via e-mail so you don't miss any of the new posts. Happy reading friends.

The Beauty of the Unknown

Anxiety, nervousness, anticipation, fear, worry. Those are the feelings that usually come to mind when we think about the unknown. Our desire to know and piece together what happens next usually drives us to a place of increased anxiety, anticipating the outcome.

As we wait to hear the results of our biopsy, MRI or CT scan we are filled with nervousness and worry. With no understanding of what causes certain illness, we can't even begin to wrap our minds around how to react when our friends and family are diagnosed. As we wait in singleness for the Lord to bring us a spouse our impatience manifests in feelings of anxiousness and sometimes fear that we will be alone forever. The unknown is scary.

But today, I found myself longing desperately for the unknown. In the field I work in, more often then not, we play a temporary role in someone's life. Sometimes my clients circle back to me but many times that's not the case. There have been many clients I have worked with over the years who I've often thought about, wondering how they were doing. I desire to know if they are still stable, if they've stayed on their medication, if they've stayed sober, if they've stayed out of jail. I want to know they are doing well, but that's not the case. I hope and pray for the best but that's usually all I can do.

In my mind there are always happy endings because I never actually see or hear about life after I work with them. I get to stay in my happy place, a place full of rainbows and sunshine and healthy people. I know that's not really the case but it works for me, it helps bring brightness to the really ugly world I live in. But today a tornado of darkness trampled in and ruined my rainbow and sunshine filled happy place.

Two weeks ago I transitioned a client after spending 3 months working with him. 3 months of fighting desperately to keep him alive. 3 months of fighting desperately to keep him sober. 3 months of intense conversations trying to provide him with new coping skills to keep him from returning to old habits. 3 months of an intense emotional roller coaster that left me feeling emotionally and physically drained. After 3 months, we transitioned him knowing there was nothing more we could do, we had given him all the tools we could give him and it was up to him to put the tools to use.

Sometimes no amount of new coping skills and tools in the toolbox can help, and today I find myself longing for the unknown, because reality is depressing, ugly, sad and difficult to hear. I learned today that despite my best efforts to keep Chris alive, Chris reverted back to his old patterns of behavior, resulting in the loss of his life. My heart is breaking and I wish I didn't know the truth. I want to return to my rainbow and sunshine filled happy place. I want to live my life thinking Chris is somewhere in the world, sober, happy and doing well and I can't. That's been forever taken away from me and it makes me so sad to know Chris' life has come to an end.

My happy place has been torn down and it will never be the same but the memories I have of Chris will be filed away in that happy place because I am still so blessed to have had the chance to work with him.

Chris, I told you how proud I was of you the day you reached 100 days sober and I am still so incredibly proud of you. It hurts my heart to know you felt you needed an escape from your reality and I'm so sorry you couldn't find the strength to fight this battle any longer. I know this battle was hard for you and I know every day was a struggle. I'm happy you aren't hurting anymore. I'm happy you aren't in pain. But I'm sad that you're gone. You helped me grow in my therapuetic skills. You challenged me to become a better case manager, and you taught me so much. Thank you for helping me understand the ugly side of addiction. Thank you for being raw about your struggle and letting me in to the vulnerable side of you. Thank you for letting me know you. You will be missed.

The Resilience of the Homeless

The summer after I graduated college, I interviewed for a job with a company that would play an instrumental role in my professional career. Fresh out of college, with no clue how to actually do the job of a Social Worker, I was given a job as a Liaison at the Psychiatric Emergency Room. It was my first intimate exposure to the homeless population, my first glimpse into the truth of their world instead of the perception I had formed in my own head. 

For many people, when they hear the word "homeless," their mind wanders to the man or women standing on the corner of the street asking for money. To most of us, that's our only exposure to the homeless population and it gives us little insight into the story behind the people we encounter. If you've never taken the time to get to know someone who lives a life of homelessness, I'd encourage you to do so. For each person standing on the corner, sitting under a bridge, or squatting in an abandoned building, there lies a series of events that lead them to this place.  

My time working with the homeless has taught me many things, but recently I've seen my clients with a new set of eyes. In addition to seeing what I can be doing to serve them and help them, I've been reminded of their strength, courage, determination, perseverance, and fearlessness. 

The men and women living on the street have a resilience that makes me so honored to work along side such wonderful people. It is an incredible thing to witness. 

I'd like to share some things with you that will give you a sneak peak into their world and hopefully help you see beyond just the cardboard sign they are holding as they vulnerably put themselves out there to ask for your help.   

The homeless population continually face rejection. 

There are several homeless shelters throughout the city of Dallas, each with their own rules. Some with an age requirement, others with a 7 day maximum, some who kick you out each morning make you wait in line again the next day. Many of the clients I work with always have a back up plan. They know that if they aren't able to stay in "shelter A" for the night, they are fully prepared to walk to "shelter B" hoping to obtain a bed/mat for the night. They know there is always a chance they will get turned away, and they still push through to find a place to rest their head each night. 

The homeless population uses what is available to them.

There are resources in the community that provide meals for the homeless community but if they miss the opportunity to eat, it could be hours before their next meal. Recently a client I work with told me if the weather is bad and he's unable to panhandle to get enough money for food, he's had to resort to digging through the trash cans just to find any piece of edible food to satisfy his hunger. 

The homeless population does not become attached to "stuff," they are minimalist.

To live on the streets, "stuff" is not your friend. Everything you own, you carry. You quickly begin to learn to rely only on necessities. Your backpack/duffle bag is the most important thing you own because without it, carrying everything becomes quite difficult. Just this week, I picked up a client from the hospital to find that the two bags he had the last time I saw him are now gone. I asked what happened and he explained his belongings were discarded by the shelter because he was admitted to the hospital. This man has only the shirt, pants and shoes he is wearing but smiled with joy as his face was met with the beaming light of the sunshine from the sky. 

"Stuff" doesn't matter to him. 

The homeless population are gifted in the art of trade and barter.

I once had a client tell me about a 7-eleven clerk who was kind enough to make a deal with him. My client shared that sometimes churches and other organizations would provide water bottles, clothing, shoes, or miscellaneous items when they came through the shelter. My client explained that if he had everything he needed and couldn't find anyone else who could use what he was given for free, the store clerk would allow him to trade a pair of pants or shoes for food/snacks for the week. As I listened to him speak, I was impressed with his creative ability to be resourceful with what he had. Having an extra pair of pants was a great thing, but ensuring he had nutrients for the week was far more important. 

Never knowing when their next meal will be, the homeless use what is available to them to keep themselves alive. Unable to find shelter, they are creative in coming up with ways to keep themselves warm in the cold and dry in the rain. Without a car or money for a bus pass, they will walk for miles just to get a meal or use the computer to look for a job. 

As I think about these men and women, I can't help but be so proud of them. I can tell you without a doubt in my mind, I'm not sure how long I could be strong under those circumstances.

Single Matters Article - 7 Things Your Biceps Can't Do For Me

This weekend a girlfriend of mine asked, “Would you date a man if he had all the emotional qualities you are looking for but wasn’t your physical preference?” Without hesitation, I answered “Absolutely.”


Yes, deep down every girl desires a man whose gene pool will produce beautiful children the rest of the world will “oooh” and “aaah” over, but that isn’t the top priority on our list.


Looks fade; we will all be wrinkled and old soon, but having a life partner who supports you and cares for your heart is far more important than how good looking he is.


As I answered her question, I wondered how many single men know and understand exactly what a female is longing for when it comes to finding a spouse. 


So, single men, here’s a look into the things women really long for—the things no amount of time in the gym will help you achieve.


This is an article I wrote for Single Matter's Magazine, to view the entire article, follow this link, http://www.singlematters.com/7-things-your-biceps-cant-do-for-me/

Single Matters Article - Facebook: The New Way To Meet Potential Dates?

I’ll never forget the night I learned about the boy who fell from the sky.


My girlfriends and I were in the mood for yummy desserts and live music, so we all agreed to meet at one of our local favorite hot spots, Obzeet.


Julie was as stunningly beautiful on the inside as she was on the outside, and each of us desired for her to find a mate who would love and cherish her the way she deserved. The last guy she dated, while a nice guy, just wasn’t what we had hoped for.


This is an article I wrote as a guest contributor for Single Matters Magazine, to read the entire article, follow the link below. http://www.singlematters.com/facebook-the-new-way-to-meet-potential-dates/

When Flirting Becomes A Danger Zone

Guilty! That's how I've been feeling lately after a recent outing with some of my friends. You see, after not seeing many of them for such a long time, I wasn't quite sure how I would adjust to being back. Would we pick up where we left off? Would things be awkward? Would we be starting all over again? When you've been gone for so long, it's easy to question where you stand in people's lives. After all, I hadn't been a part of many of their lives for the last 12 months. 

 

Those questions didn't even cross my mind when I saw my friends, it was as if nothing changed. We joked, we laughed, and things felt natural. Among the jokes and the laughter was lots of fun banter. I'm the kind of person who loves to banter. I blame my dad for his witty and often misunderstood sarcasm. I love to meet someone who can appreciate my humor and match my banter. It's a unique trait to find. Especially when sensitive emotions tend to cause hurt feelings by something you intended to be a funny joke. But because of this unique kind of banter, I have to be careful not to cross the line between fun banter and flirtatious encounter.

It's really easy to get caught up in treating members of the opposite sex as potential suitors, but we are instructed to treat them as brother's and sister's in Christ.

1 Timothy 5:1-2 tells us to treat others as fathers, brothers, mothers and sisters, WITH ALL PURITY.  Not only are we instructed to treat them the way we would treat family but Paul puts an emphasis on making sure we understand that means to treat them with purity.

We need to be careful not to treat our brother's and sister's in Christ as potential suitors but be reminded that they are someone else's future husband/wife and we need to respect that.

 

Here are a few questions we can ask ourselves as singles before flirting;

1. Am I in a place where I am available to date.

While chatting about a member of the opposite sex, a girlfriend of mine asked "Is he in a season of dating or singleness?" Before attending my current church, I had never heard this term before. If you are not married, aren't you always in a season of dating? Well, the answer to that is no. If you are healing or in recovery, you probably shouldn't be dating while you are going through that. If you have a dependence on something other than the Lord, you probably need to surrender that addiction before you enter in to a relationship. It's not fair for others to take on baggage you haven't even attempted to work through yet. So, if you know in your mind you are not open to being in a relationship, please consider that before flirting with the opposite sex.

2. Have I learned enough about this person to know I want to know more?

Physical attraction is great and it definitely creates "chemistry" between two people but that isn't enough. While banter and flirtatious behavior can give you an indicator the other person is also interested, it's important to learn a little more about them before moving forward. Keep in mind when you flirt with someone, it says "I am interested in you."
 3. Are my actions unique to this person or do I act this way with everyone?

I can't express enough how much of a turn off it is to see someone openly flirt with multiple people. If you are the type of person who is very affectionate or very friendly with everyone, it may be time to evaluate your actions. It may be the very thing that is keeping you single. When you do find someone you are interested in, your reputation will precede your interest and that person may not feel uniquely special if they know this is how you act with everyone.

4. What message do I want others to see?

There have been several times I have seen interactions between two people of the opposite sex and thought they were dating or thought they were interested in each other and it never goes anywhere. We need to be aware that when we flirt with someone, other people see that. We need to think about what message we are sending to others. By flirting, you are saying you are interested in this person so when others of the opposite sex see you acting that way, they assume your emotions are consumed by someone else. When people of the same sex see you flirting, they think that person is off limits because of the way the two of you are interacting with each other. It's not fair to either of you if the flirting isn't leading anywhere.

Single Matters Article - Am I Not Pretty Enough

Friday night, I went to a coffee shop to watch my lovely friend Julie perform. She is a very talented singer, and every time she plays I jump at the chance to go listen to her sing. I’ve listened to her many times before, but this night she sang songs I have never heard before. In the middle of singing her heart out through songs she had written, both past and present, about heartache and love, she sang a Kasey Chambers song called “Not Pretty Enough.” Here are part of the lyrics:

 

Am I not pretty enough?

 

Is my heart too broken?

 

Do I cry too much?

 

Am I too outspoken?

 

Don’t I make you laugh?

 

Should I try it harder?

 

Why do you see right through me?

 

 

As Julie sang these words I fought back the tears created by an emotional tug on my heart. I thought about how many times I’ve felt that way, wondering “What’s wrong with me, why not me?”



In fact, several months ago I asked a guy that very question....


The complete article can be found at the online Christian magazine Single Matters by clicking this link http://www.singlematters.com/am-i-not-pretty-enough/