It is sinful to be unhappy and single.

It's 4am and I'm wide awake after waking up in the middle of a dream about a guy back home talking to one of my friends. In my dream I was so overcome with jealousy that I actually got up and left the social gathering we were all attending (jealousy is still a sin I struggle with if you didn't pick that up). I woke up thinking to myself, "Why am I jealous over a guy who has never even been mine?" As I write this blog there is a chance he will be reading this so I'm hesitant to post, but I know there are women out there who follow my blog who are moved and touched by the things the Lord reveals to me so I am taking the chance of him reading this, hoping God will use my words to help encourage and move you if you ladies are in the same place I am in.  

A couple days ago I was listening to a sermon my friend Jackie sent me. When I visited her and my sister in Kentucky, I went to church with her and the pastor had just started a message about the Christian Family. That particular day, he was speaking to the husbands in the room but I was still very moved by the things he said so I was very excited when she sent me the message specifically for the single people. One of the first things the pastor said in his message was "It is sinful to be unhappy and single." Don't get too upset when you read that, he was speaking about us being unhappy at our status of singleness. He spoke from 1 Corinthians chapter 7 and spent a lot of time talking about waiting on the Lord. He talked to how our singleness should be maximized to serving the Lord and not seeking out a spouse. He talked about Adam and Eve and how when God realized Adam needed a partner, God moved on Adam's behalf and explained that when the time is right, God will bring you your mate. He gave the example of Isaiah and Rebecca and reminded us that on the same day of meeting Rebecca, Isaiah married her. 

Coming to Korea was an uphill battle for, mostly because of my desire to be married, and if I'm honest with you, being around children every day has been intensifying that desire. When I left, I thought I was leaving the chance to be moving toward going from single to married. My focus was all about my status and my mind was consumed with this pseudo relationship I was in. Looking back, I feel like such a fool. 

At church yesterday, we sang a song that moved me. I'm not sure what the name of the song is, but part of the lyrics say "I bring an offering of worship to my King, no one on earth deserves the praises that I sing." In that moment, God broke me. He helped me to realize I have made this man an idol in my life. We are not dating, we aren't even speaking, yet I spend more time in the day thinking about him than I do thinking about the Lord. That is so backwards!! I've been praying for the Lord to release me from this for a long time now. I hate feeling like this, I hate thinking about it all day, I hate waking up in the middle of the night with feelings of jealousy over something that isn't even mine to be jealous of. 

In the message the pastor says, "First, find your fulfillment in Him, so when God does find your mate, your mate will find a whole person." In my head I know no man will ever fully satisfy me the way the Lord can but my wicked heart keeps thinking I need a husband. I'm glad the Lord is changing my heart in that area. I'm reminding myself of what God says to the Israelite's in Hosea 2:19-20 "And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord." God tells us in Isaiah 54:5  "For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is His name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called." I will take comfort in remaining in this place, knowing God will continue growing me closer to Him. The intimacy I can feel with the Lord continues to far exceed my expectations and I look forward to more of that. If you want to watch the sermon series I spoke of about the Christian Family, click here.